Trailer Sailor Articles & Reviews
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Heloise Hinckley: The 1st Year (Part 4 of 4 parts)
Posted By: Charles Brennan, Windrose 18, So. Florida
Date: 12/28/02 2:02p.m.
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Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hints Column #41 (4/21/02)
Dear Readers, I need to print some corrections, retractions, apologies, mea culpas, and other acts of contrition, according to the Editors and the Legal Department. Please bear with us, for a moment. [*]To S. E. in Phoenix, Az.: About last week's anchor light/candle post. I'm terribly sorry that an unforeseen heat wave (In Arizona! Go figure! [*]To D.C. in D.C. : About last week's anchor light/candle post. Now, THIS one, is NOT my FAULT! NOWHERE in last week's anchor light instructions, did we recommend that you keep cutting 6 inches, or a foot or so, off the top of your mast, as the wick burned down. EVERYBODY knows, you're supposed to push the candle up from the bottom, like a BIG push-up icicle pop! [*]To T.P. in Ill.: About last week's anchor light/candle post. The answer is YES, Helpful Heloise Hinckley thinks you should IMMEDIATELY seek medical attention, for that funny bubble-looking thingie, that suddenly appeared on the left side of your stomach. Goodness! I didn't think 28 feet of beeswax, was quite so heavy! [*]To B.C. in Georgia: About last week's anchor light/candle post. I forgot to consider masts with internal halyards, when I made the anchor light/candle suggestion; if you want to submit the beeswax halyard and sheave lubrication idea, as a by-product of the anchor light/candle to the Hints and Tips section of the TSBB, be my guest. No, PLEASE don't mention my name! [*]To D.B. in North Carolina: About last week's anchor light/candle post. Yes, I'm sure the 8 boat raft-up, that night on Lake Norman, DID look like a Giant Menorah! [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]After observing all the BEER pics, I wondered if there were any hints you could give me for the next time I get to take sailing pics at a TSBB get-together. Somehow, they look different from the pics you see in Sail Magazine, but I can't quite put my finger on what it is. [*](Signed), [*]Shutter Bug the Scotch Drinker Dear Butter Scotch, There are several differences between Beer Pics and Sail Magazine pics. SAIL: BEER: Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
[*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]So, Whaddaya think? 50:1 or 100:1? [*](Signed), [*]Truman B. LeMakker Dear Troublemaker, Helpful Heloise Hinckley thinks it's a CRIME to water down perfectly good booze that much! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I went to the fridge the other night, to get some beer, and there was some freak lying on the floor, NAKED! What should I do? [*](Signed), [*]Needs a Bud, not a Dud Dear Budless, Depends. Step over him and help yourself to a beer. Get a cool one for me (give or take a watt/hour or two) and let's discuss it! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I meant 50:1 gas to oil or 100:1 gas to oil! [*](Signed), [*]You Know Who Dear YooHoo, Hey! Maybe if ya put it in the Beer Fridge it'll condense from 100:1 to 50:1 all by itself! Dunno how many watt/hours or BTU's or degrees of Fahrenheit it'll take . . . . . . Hey! Just had a thought! Pour the fuel into one of these empty beer cans and see if these "engineers" are good enough to actually tell the difference! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*] When I woke up this morning and unstuck my butt from the linoleum, I discovered the beer in my fridge, had magically turned into outboard fuel! [*]Here's my question: Right now, where I live, the beer costs a little bit more than the equivalent 2-cycle fuel does; but if fuel goes up a whole lot this summer, this amazing alchemy I've discovered, may make me a tidy little profit! Do you think I should contact the National Enquirer? [*](Signed), [*]Beer2Outboard Boy Dear Bat Boy, Yes, by all means, contact them. The Enquirer is having an even slower week, than the TSBB! Geeze! Isn't ANYBODY sailing yet? BTW, Helpful Heloise Hinckley just HAS to ask? So what did it taste like? You're not fooling anybody, you know! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Tastes GREAT! [*](Signed), [*]Dodger [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Is NOT! [*](Signed), [*]Rambler Dear Dodge and Rambler, Sigggghhhhhhhh. . . . . ) Somebody get me a drink! No, I don't care WHAT'S in the can! Sincerely, ********************************************************************************* . . . . . . . so I says to him: "Well, if you don't like the way I sail, then stay OFF the docks!" [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I'm torn between two lovers, each of whom has asked to marry me. One is an Engineer and one is a Sailor. What should I do? [*](Signed), [*]Undecided Fraulein Dear Fickle Frau, You Poor Dear! That really IS Hobb's Choice isn't it? Engineers like to have numbers for everything. Except of course, your phone number, your birthday, or your Anniversary, if you do get married! Sailors have a much easier, devil-may-care attitude toward numbers. Notice they never steer 117º like an Engineer would. No, it's more like: "south-east of east" or "We're doing about 4 knots" where an Engineer would tell you: " Our velocity is 4 knots, which is 4.5 miles per hour and is also .0000000000017923465984 furlongs-per-fortnight!" Actually that last number is totally wrong and completely made up, but Helpful Heloise Hinckley can guarantee you, some Engineer is going to calculate it, anyway! When an Engineer asks you for the time and you give it to him, he is likely to grab your wrist and look anyway, because for them, Verification Is Everything. The Sailor won't ask the time. If he were under time constraints, he wouldn't be sailing, would he? Now listen very carefully, dearie: There are some Dangerous Individuals, who are BOTH! Avoid them like the plague! Can you say: "Bi-Polar Disorder"? Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I want to learn how to "S" gybe my boat, but the rigging and the mainsail seems to get really slammed, whenever I try it. My girlfriend is beginning to get annoyed at me slewing the helm back and forth when we are going downwind, claiming that I'm making her queasy! Dear Queasy Easy, You just gotta be right all the time, don't ya? Tell the truth, you wait until AFTER the elections, so you know which candidate sticker to put on your car's bumper, don't you? Your letter reminds Helpful Heloise Hinckley of her Pa Hinckley's Famous J- Gybe. Everybody else just called it "rounding up" but we always knew deep in our hearts, they were just jealous! OK, there are a couple ways to go about an "S" gybe: 1) You pull the boom toward you, by grabbing a handful of mainsheet and pulling it smartly toward you. To reduce shock loads to the rigging, as the boom comes across, swing the helm over and let the wind on the mainsail, pull the sheets through your hands. or, 2) You get your buddy (the one who's been making eyes at your girl friend, this whole trip) to hold the sheets, this time. Warn him about the rope burns and tell him to take a couple turns around his hand. Whip the helm over smartly. As the boom comes racing across, tell him to hang on. Sincerely, ********************************************************************************************
. . . . . . . . OHHHH!!!! DOOR Skins on the cabin sides! That makes a LOT more sense! Boy! I hate it when the TSBB server goes up and down, like that! [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]You can't believe some of the Shameless Sailors on this board that will allow helicopters to take pictures of them, when they don't have their boats trimmed correctly! It is simply appalling! You NEVER see that in Sail Magazine! Some people just have No Manners! Dear I.D.I.O.T., Oh, lighten up. Helpful Heloise Hinckley has consulted with her sisters in on the Scam, . . . . oops! We all agreed, if you had the genteel sensitivity and manners of a MOSS-COVERED ROCK! You would have known that NO gentleman of refinement and good breeding, would EVER allow a lady to sit on the windward rail to his LEFT! No! A True Gentleman, will ALWAYS seat the lady on the windward rail, to his RIGHT! This way, when she's conversing with him, she is not facing into the spray coming over the rail and getting her makeup modified by the Elements! It also helps to keep salt spray from blowing into HER beer! So, THERE! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I only got 2 of 11 on the quiz, this week. Dear Clueless, Tell the truth: You occasionally lose debates to Boston Ferns, don't you? Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I am doing some finish carpentry in my boat, and a post on the TSBB this week, has me all confused. [*]When is the overhead, an overhead, and when it is a ceiling liner? Also, when is it NOT a ceiling liner or an overhead? [*](Signed), [*]Concerned Carpenter Dear Carin' Carpenter, Well, to tell the truth, Helpful Heloise Hinckley is more familiar with Swedish Carpentry, than Finnish Carpentry, never having been to Finland . . . . Oh! Wait a minute! You mean finish carpentry! Unless of course, you're paying more attention to your sail trim! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Is DOCK! [*](Signed), [*]Rambler Dear Rambler, IS . . . Oh! Well, I guess it IS! Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
[*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]After reading a thread about masts and shrouds and stays and rigging this week on the TSBB, I'm not sure anymore, about what holds my mast up. [*]Do you have any suggestions to explain it to me? My wife doesn't want to go out on the boat, until she knows it's safe. [*](Signed), [*]Sunburned, from staring up at the mast geometry. Dear Tan Gent, (Hey! HE said geometry, not ME! Much like your appendix, shrouds are merely an evolutionary holdover from Ancient Times. Airplane wings used to have "shrouds" of a sort, to keep the wings from folding up, until they learned how to make them strong enough to hold up on their own. Some models of sailboats nowadays, do the same thing with un-stayed masts, as well. All this reminds Heloise Hinckley, of Pa Hinckley's Emergency Parking Brake Invention. There used to be a very mucky part of the island in Maine, where Pa Hinckley was relegated to keeping his boat. Anchors, even claws, would simply drag in this primordial ooze, and coming back in on a blustery day, there was just no way to stop the boat, safely. So what Pa Hinckley did, was to add backstay racing adjuster levers to ALL the shrouds. He wired them up with wires and blocks and pulleys and whatnot, so that he could pull on ONE lever and have ALL the shrouds adjust at once, MUCH more tightly! The resulting squaring of the compression forces on the mast, would drive it through the hull; where the mast would jam into the mucky goo and stop the boat dead in it's tracks! Hey! I SAID it was the EMERGENCY Parking Brake, didn't I? Tiring of glassing the hull all the time, he finally put an inspection port in the hull, directly under the mast and simply let the mast strip the threads out of the port (on it's way down) and screw in a new one, after he had the hull pumped out again. Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]This week someone said I was "dillusional"! [*]What's "dillusional"? [*](Signed), [*]Confused Dear Confused, Now listen here: With all due respect to our Neighbors To The North, they spell funny most of the time, ANYWAY! "Favour, Colour, Grey" What's up with that? There aren't enough vowels in the English Language; they gotta sneak in some MORE? Pretty persnickety, for people who pronounce, "boat" like we pronounce, "boot" if ya ask me! Ah, well. In this case, it's not really his fault. You take a Canadian, and expose him to Cajuns for a long weekend; his spelling and pronunciation are going to suffer so severely, people will begin to think he's dyslexic! DAM (Mothers Against Dyslexia) has a help group he can attend, if he can ever figure out their instructions on how to get there! Either that, or he needs to get a spell checker! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]IS NOT! [*](Signed), [*]Rambler Dear Rambler, Ummm . . . actually . . . that should be: DOES not! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]OK, neat story about Pa and the shrouds, but what are they for; I mean REALLY? Do I have enough on my boat? Should I get some more hardware late tonight, from some of the other boats in the harbor . . ooops! I mean, from West Marine? [*](Signed), [*]Been looking up at the mast all day. Dear Squinty, Oh, Dear. In an effort to maintain peace in the harbor, if you promise not to tell anyone else, Heloise Hinckley will let you in on a little-known Ancient Scam: Shrouds don't hold the mast up. The mast is only up there to keep tension on the shrouds! All the OTHER sailboat owners that know this, have VERY fast boats! You never see these kinds of rigs anywhere, though, do you? Know why? Because your shrouds give you away like a bell on a cat! The wind humming through the rigging makes a shrieking sound, which normally, can only be heard by bats, dogs, and the remaining Bee-Gees! ALL the rigging books tell you to make SURE and keep your rigging tight! Ever wonder why they ALL say that? Think it's a coincidence? They don't want some slack-shrouded guy to sneak up on them, unawares and then have to invite him into their secret club! Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
[*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Why is the column so late, this week? Dear Imp, Sorry. Hey! Coulda been worse! One year, I woke up with frostbite and snow cone juice all over the cockpit of La Santanalina! It was AUGUST, before we quit sticking to the deck! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]At the chat a few nights ago, a guy said he had to go, then he just LEFT! Do you think this is rude? I was about to ask him on a date (guess I'm not a Helpless Maiden, either!), but now I don't know. What should I do? [*](Signed), [*]Catherine the Chat Fanatic Dear Chatty Cathy, This is indeed, Very Rude. The correct chat protocol, is to announce one's imminent departure and wait a minimum of 10 seconds before disconnecting. (Unless your ISP is in Arkansas or something, in which case, 10 seconds might be a new record! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I GOT a grammar checker and checked out last week's column! Shoulda been DO NOT! So THERE! [*](Signed), [*]Rambler Dear Rambler, No, I don't care for a donut, thank you very much. Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Does Louisiana Law cover smashing someone's boat and then sneaking off in the darkness? I mean, not that it happened to me, or anything. Not last Sunday Night, anyway. [*](Signed), [*]Law Scholar with a nervous cough Dear Scoff-law, Heloise Hinckley is pretty sure, this particular outrage is covered through Napoleonic Law, and clear back to the ancient Sumerian (or Assyrian. One of those Mesopotamian burgs, I'm pretty sure; Helpful Heloise Hinckley might have gone to the Beach that day, instead of going to History Class! So, THERE! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I wanna be a Knight in Shining Armor! Dear Sir FauxPasALot, Sorry, but there ain't enough Poli-Glow on the PLANET, to shine YOUR armor, lately! Sincerely, P.S. But, thanks for all the material! *********************************************************************************
[*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]What do you think of people, who doctor up other people's pics on the TSBB? [*](Signed), [*]Artistically Inclined Dear Slanty Art, They ARE? I just thought EVERYBODY looked like that! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I read in the TSBB this week, where they are using LEDs for high efficiency, low current draw, lighting in sailboats. I got kinda lost, when they started getting into the more technical details. Could you help me out with a simpler lighting system, that won't drain my battery on a weekend? [*](Signed), [*]Looking For Illumination Dear Looky-Lou, There is a MUCH simpler lighting system that was invented way back when, by my very own Pa Hinckley. They didn't have LEDs back then, so he invented a much neater, high brightness lighting system that used NO BATTERIES, whatsoever! What he did was, he hooked a funnel to a clear plastic hose and lashed it just under the bow eye a little below the water line, ran it up the bow across the bow chock, then across the deck in through the forward hatch. Continuing on, he ran the tubing once around the cabin, and then stuffed in a piece of Ma Hinckley's old panty hose, before venting the hose over the transom. Now, when we would go offshore, the funnel would scoop up the bio-luminescent stuff in the water and it would get stopped at the panty-hose filter and accumulate inside the entire length of tubing, until finally, the whole inside of the cabin looked like a bad episode of the Outer Limits! Took NO BATTERY POWER at all! Ran all weekend! Worked absolutely great! It did have one pretty bad drawback, however: Pa FORGOT to pull the filter to drain the hose and over the week, when all that bioluminescent stuff DIED, it made for quite a smell, inside La Santanalina! So deary, give it a try, just don't forget to drain the hose at the end of the weekend! Hmmm . . . . Good advice for ANY sailor! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]We got this Cajun we know, a Sail Trim chart as a Mardi Gras present, but neither he, nor we, know how to use it! Dear Needy, Certainly. No don't thank Helpful Heloise Hinckley! That's what she's here for! Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
[*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I think anybody that uses "lazy jacks" is just too darn "lazy" to be sailing a boat! Dear Wants Jacks Off, Oh, lighten up. All kinds of otherwise normal people use them without any problems, whatever. It could be worse, ya know. They could have rigged the lazy jacks like my Pa Hinckley did once, on La Santanalina! Heloise Hinckley's Scathingly Brilliant Insight For The Day: People who use lazy jacks, are usually anything BUT! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]How can I tell when my boat is over-powered? [*](Signed), [*]Dangerously Under-Developed Dear DUD, When you are no longer looking UP at the mast, is usually your FIRST clue! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]How many sailing lines should the well-found boat have? I don't want to have too many, but I don't want to look like an idiot, either. Can you offer me any hints? [*](Signed), [*]Definitely into Cordage Carl Dear Into Bondage Benny, This is quite simple, really. You need one less line, than the maximum number of functions you can remember to do with them all! If you want to prove this to yourself, bring aboard a few extra lines, hidden in your stowaway bag, the next time you are invited to go sailing with someone. When your unsuspecting host isn't looking, sneak the lines out and place them here and there, all about the boat! Then pretend like you just "found" one and then ask the boat's owner what that line does. An honest sailor, would claim not to recognize it. Heloise Hinckley suspects the host will tell you it's his spare mizzen-frammer! Now, if anybody ever does this to YOU, be prepared with your answer: Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]When I said: "How can I tell when my boat is over-powered?" I meant the ENGINE! [*](Signed), [*]Dangerously Under-Developed Dear DUD, Some clues are: 1) When you can run down PWCs to give them a piece of your mind! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Those weren't the kind of sailing "lines" I meant! Can you offer me any hints? [*](Signed), [*]Definitely into Cordage Carl Dear Into Bondage Benny, Where is Freddy Kruger, now that we NEED him? (Sigh) 1) "Hey babe! Been sailing today? No? Let's go!" Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
. . . . . and that concludes this week's meeting, of the Noemi Ybarra Fan Club! Oh! Hello Readers! [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]What are the correct and accepted, shark-tossing styles? I want to enter in the TSBB Shark Tossing Upwind Pageant & Independence Day (S.T.U.P.I.D.) Contest, on July 4th. Dwarf Tossing has lost all it's thrill, and I want to get into this exciting new sport. Do you have any hints? [*](Signed), [*]Ex-Dwarf Tosser Dear Snow-White's Bouncer, Not the sharpest arrow in the quiver, are you? Well, Helpful Heloise Hinckley checked with her many sources and got these styles, from Pro Shark-Tosser "Nubs" Nagursky: 1) "Hammer throw". Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]How come you don't pick on me, anymore? Don't you love me? [*](Signed), [*]Rambler Dear Rambler, It's certainly NOT Helpful Heloise Hinckley's fault, that you haven't done anything LAME, in over a week! Must be too busy sailing! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I am about to go on a dream trip with my beloved, to the Fabulous Florida Keys and beyond! What should I bring for my trousseau? [*](Signed), [*]Most Beautiful Lady in Guadalupe Dear Lady of Guadalupe, You only really need one garment, the traditional garment from Time Immemorial, of women sailing in the Keys: An extra thick skin. For the following reasons: 1) Mosquitoes. Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]IS TOO! Dear Rambler, IS NOT! Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
Hello Readers! This column may be a little short this week. I have business to attend to. Grave business. I'm going to Illinois this week, to dance on the Grave of Ann Landers! HAH! I win the bet! I wonder if her sister Abby, is gonna pay off? They were SOOOOOO sure of themselves, back in high school! Thought it was gonna be ME first, huh? Cirrhosis of the liver, ain't EVERYTHING ya know! We were the nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah Sisterhood! [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I went on a cruise on a small sailboat recently, and noticed that after a few days, I had a noticeable amount of leg stubble. How does one keep dainty and feminine on a small sailboat? [*](Signed), [*]Hairy Pat Dear Hairy Pat, Firstly, are you a Patrick or a Patricia? That will greatly influence the answer. Ummmm . . . . . How close are your GPS co-ordinates, to Key West? OK, Patricia, here are a few different things you could try: 1) Mix your sunblock and some Nair, about half and half. If your "sweetie" uses it on his face, try not to snicker, as you think of the sweat running into his eyes, running down from where his eyebrows USED to be! 2) Sleep out in the open, under the stars. 3) If you see any sharks swimming around in the night, after the Captain has thumped it between the eyes into submission, use the coarse shark skin on your legs. The Fiji Islanders use sharkskin for sandpaper, it ought to work even on Eastern European leg stubble! 4) Prop your legs up next to the Magma grill and crack open the fuel bottle and ask the skipper to light the grill. When it first goes up, er, I mean, gets lit, all the stubble on that side will be magically GONE! Along with the Skipper! Make SNIDE remarks about YOUR leg-hair, will he? 5) Shave your legs with the Captain's razor. This is the surest test of his undying love for you. Fair Warning: About 3 in every 4 maidens who try this approach never return from the cruise, so keep in mind this may be a little risky! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Are you upset at all these Scurrilous Posts, defaming your Good Name and Sterling Character? [*](Signed), [*]Curious Journalism Student Dear Curious Yellow Journalist, Do you believe EVERYTHING, you read on the InterNet? Where are you FROM? Hey, I got some Florida Real Estate I can sell ya! It's on sale this week too, marked down 30 cents per gallon! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*] There were Earthquakes in Indiana this week! Is it the End Of The World? [*](Signed), [*]Conversational Catherine Dear Chatty Cathy, Nahhh . . . this happens every now and again. When all the Indiana Sailors (all three of them! Either that, or it's all the Farmers running from one side of the State to the other, to see someone dancing in their shorts! [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Whaddaya think about that 72-year-old guy, sailing across the Atlantic Ocean in a Nordic 20? [*](Signed), [*]Sailing Buff Dear Naked Sailor, Oh! Poor Harry! Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
Hello, Readers! [*] Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*] This week, with the entire furor and news and all, I felt like all my most closely held and cherished beliefs, in both God and America, were suddenly jerked out from underneath me! It's like all the things I thought I knew as a child, that were going to be the same forever, may now be in jeopardy. Any more changes like this and I just don't know if I can go on! Dear Blue Lou, I know how you feel, dear. Sincerely, [*] Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*] I went out sailing in south Florida in the month of June. With all the rain and all, I managed to catch a severe Summer Cold. Do you know of any cures I could try? [*](Signed), [*]Snifflin' Sam Dear Drippy Dan, You went sailing in the RAIN and NOW, you wonder why you got a cold? Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Why can't I make my daggerboard pivot? If I did that, I wouldn't need a rudder! What do you think? [*](Signed), [*]Budding Boat Designer Dear Bud, Pa Hinckley once tried something similar, on La Santanalina. When sailing in the shallows, he was continually frustrated, that whenever he got the centerboard cranked up enough to clear, the rudder started dragging. No sooner did he get the kick-up rudder, well, kicked up, than he needed to crank some more on the centerboard again! Figuring that replacing the crank up swing keel with a dagger board would eliminate this problem, he set about making himself a 5-foot dagger board. Being enamored of airfoil designs, he decided to incorporate a foil into his daggerboard. He couldn't make up his mind which design offered the best sailing/handling trade-offs, a NACA-34 or a Clark-Y; so he did one side with a NACA-34, and the other side with the Clark-Y! Working in his barn workshop at a feverish pace, it also occurred to him, he could slow the boat down significantly when coming up to a mooring, if he could somehow rotate the dagger board 90º!! After getting all his modifications done, he launched his boat and headed out. It steered rather well for a rudderless boat, but there were a few tricky spots to watch out for: 1) A hard jibe had a tendency to stall out the boat. 2) Going over shallows and raising the dagger board reduced the steering, significantly. He said later, it was like "trying to corner with the USS Forrestall!" 3) You had to get used to applying "tiller logic" to the wheel! This is because the steering part of the boat was AHEAD of you, instead of behind you like a real rudder, so all the linkages were backwards! 4) If you spun the wheel real hard (like, 180º), the NACA/Clark foils reversed on you. This might not sound like such a Big Deal, except that those two foil designs in combination, were SOOOO efficient, that they stopped the boat dead! He finally lost it in a bizarre accident, while running aground on a sandbar next to a flood-tide rip, in an opposing wind. Yup. Current pushing the hull one way, and the wind pushing the other way, kept spinning the hull around until it finally corkscrewed the dagger board right into the sand! Pa almost had it worked loose, by spinning the ship's wheel, although the boat spinning like that made him dizzy, er, dizziER! All this left Pa drifting in the Bay, rudder-less, board-less, until the tide drifted him to the traditional marker (put up by the city), where the Designated Pa Hinckley Tow Boat, was already quietly waiting! Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
. . . . . . . Ok, so let me get this straight: . . . . . . If you press the ESC key and the Ctrl Key at the same time with your left hand AND you press the F12 key and the Enter key at the same time with your right hand, and alternate rapidly between left and right hands, like you were playing the drum solo part from "Wipe Out" with both hands, that you can bring down a web site and the host ISP for 4 or 5 days? . . . . . [*] Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Why was the column so late this week, and don't try to gimme any hooey about: "Oh Dear! The Server was down!" Dear Jonesy, Nahh. The truth is, that it's been raining a lot down here in south Florida, and the mosquitos mistook the keyboard keys for Tic-Tacs and made it tough to type! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I sail on a lot of boats and have noticed that many skippers do not have any form of MOB drills. Some of them never even mention MOB procedures! Do you think this is a problem? What do you think I should do? [*](Signed), [*]Big Jib From Texas Dear Jenny, No, it's not a problem. Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Don't you think women should only be allowed near outboard motors, in order to marvel at their mate's prowess, pulling on the starter? [*](Signed), [*]Rambler Dear Rambler, Depends on what he wraps around the flywheel, for a pull cord! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I can't afford a Bimini top for my sailboat, and the summer heat is starting to do a number on my skin. Is there anything I could do to cool off my boat? It's just miserable out there, on some of these sailboat races. Do you have any suggestions? [*](Signed), [*]Sweat Running Down All Day Dear Drip, One solution is to employ the same thing used on automobiles in south Florida, to keep the cars cooler: Aluminized Mylar. They apply it to the windshields and windows and it reflects quite a lot of heat away. You have to be careful, though. Once, when Pa Hinckley was trying to get yet another racing advantage, he came up with the idea of using Aluminized Mylar film for a spinnaker on his Pride and Joy: La Santanalina. Hey! Minimal stretch, light weight, inexpensive; it had a lot going for it. He grabbed a coupla rolls from an auto tinting shop and made himself a really cool-looking spinnaker. His plan was to hoist the "mirror spinnaker" just before everyone reached the second mark. The sun would hit and glance off the convex surface and blind EVERYBODY in the fleet! This would cause them to miss the mark and have to go around again! What a disaster! She crossed the spinnaker over, while hoisting it. Now this doesn't make any difference in a nylon spinnaker, but on a mirrored one it caused the mirror to be concave, instead of convex. Pa rushed forward to correct the mistake, but in his haste, did not tie the tiller down and the boat swung around, and before anyone knew what happened, the full force of the Sun reflected all that energy backwards, instead of out across the fleet. The poor windward rail crew were caught in the locus of the parabola and were vaporized, in less than an instant! The rest of the race, consisted of Pa Hinckley trying to both steer AND handle the main sail and jib sheets and the girl trying to be the rail meat, not an easy thing, since she weighed no more than the weight Pa Hinckley probably could have afforded to lose! Sincerely, |
), melted all the wax and dripped out both ends of the mast, all over the driveway. When your wife pulled into the driveway, and her car skidded on the wax, I'm SURE she meant to avoid crashing into your trailer and boat! 
Gracious! Helpful Heloise Hinckley, always thought that BMW made a MUCH sturdier vehicle! 
This really isn't THAT kind of column, but perhaps Helpful Heloise Hinckley can offer some insights:
