Trailer Sailor Articles & Reviews
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Heloise Hinckley: The 1st Year (Part 3 of 4 parts)
Posted By: Charles Brennan, Windrose 18, So. Florida
Date: 12/28/02 2:04p.m.
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Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hints Column #27 (1/20/02) [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Uhhh . . . . .I'm still under this bed. I mean, it's been like a whole week since the trip Tom P. And Charles B. took (The Voyage Of The Damned!) on that sailboat, down in the Keys. I have started naming all the "dust bunnies" under this bed, and playing with them like pets. Is it Safe? Can I come out, now? [*](Signed), [*]Fearful Dear Fearful, Not yet. We'll tell you, when! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Being from Indiana and all, naturally my heart's desire is to get into sailing! I read a book, checked out some articles on the Internet, and figure I'm just about good to go. [*]I started off small, originally asking about Com-Pac 16's and Potter 15's. Now that I have that all worked out, my next question is: Should I try for the Caribbean in March, or the Pacific, in August? [*](Signed), [*]Fort Wayne Wonder Dear Wonder Boy, Heloise Hinckley well understands how people from the Mid West, can get the Blue Water Fever. Armchair sailing will take you a good deal of the way there, but you also need to learn some of The Laws Of The Sea. Laws, like Keynes' Law: "When the draught of your vessel exceeds the water's depth, you are most assuredly aground." Good ones like that. Sailing is another of those deceptive sports learned in an hour, but not mastered in a lifetime. We are all still learning, hence this board. Frankly, Heloise Hinckley is just a little disappointed in you. I mean, ANYBODY can just find some water, jump in a boat, then start trying to sail! The TSBB looks to the New Blood (persons such as yourself; ever wonder where "newbie" came from? It's an abbreviation for New Blood! After all, what have we got going on right now? Doug trying to put chaise lounges on the sides of his Prindle? Big Deal! No! The TSBB expects YOU to Make Us Proud! We want you to invent Corn Sailing! A flat aluminum hull (a modified airboat hull comes to mind) and a ton of sail area! 1) You start off on the grass out in front of your house, put her on a beam reach to get up to speed. 2) Launch by starting out on your kid's Slip N' Slide. 3) Get up some speed across the lawn, until you hit that cornfield out by the neighbor's property! 4) Lean back to tilt the hull up enough to reach the tops of the corn stalks! You want to minimize damage to those first few rows of corn! Plus, you REALLY want to clear those fence posts! 5) YAYYYY! You DID it! You're Corn Sailing! Skimming along the tops of the cornrows! Log amazing voyages, to relay to all the TSBBer's! Fort Wayne to Lafayette! Treacherous tales of going aground, on the Interstate! We want to hear ALL! Helpful Heloise Hinckley's Hint for Today: Wear goggles and bring lots of chapstick! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]So, Whaddaya think? Which microwave oven should I put on my Sunfish? Goldstar or Sharp? How big a battery should I use? [*](Signed), [*]Truman B. LeMakker Dear Troublemaker, (Sigh.) Gonna be a Lonnnnnng year, I can tell! OK, here's how you do it: 1) Take the battery out of your Buick and put it in a plastic milk crate. Now, if you REALLY want some QUICK microwave popcorn, head the Sunfish into a quick quartering chop. When the spray from the waves, hits that inverter it's going to POP that popcorn, faster than you ever saw! Albeit, rather briefly! Helpful Heloise Hinckley's Hint for Today: When all the "colored stars" go away and you can see again, you can use your microwave for an anchor! It will be the safest anchor in all of Biscayne Bay, and the only one not likely to be "recovered" by Charles Brennan! Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Uhhh . . . . .I'm still under this bed. I mean, it's been like, 2 weeks now. Is it Safe? Can I come out, now? [*](Signed), [*]Fearful Dear Fearful, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I recently witnessed a horrific sight, in San Francisco Bay. It was a mass Baby Pumpkin Suicide! It was like lemmings, only on the vegetarian side of the family! Dozens and dozens of Baby Pumpkins, all trying to tread water with that one pitiful green stub on the end! Gad! The Humanity! And in that icy cold water, too! Watching all those little orange pumpkins turning blue, kind of reminded me of a Florida Gators football game! [*]What do you think I should have done? [*](Signed), [*]Lost my gourds, in San Francisco Dear Gourd-less, Relax. What you saw was only Judy B's upcoming Sailing Pumpkin Rodeo. Now, as any gourd aficionado knows, the ONLY thing that will save them, is tossing a piecrust into the water, so they'd have something safe to climb into! Next, you'd want to get them out of that icy water and right into a warm oven of oh, say, about 375º degrees should do it! To revive them from their shock, make sure to supply them with plenty of quick energy foods, like sugar and cinnamon and plenty of proteins like eggs and milk. Any pumpkins that might have fainted may require Allspice by the tablespoon, in order to revive them! After an hour and a half, invite your friends over the Sailing Rodeo Roundup, to welcome the Surviving Pumpkins Coming Out Of The Oven Party! No, don't thank Helpful Heloise Hinckley, that's what she's here for! [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]So, whaddaya think? White light on the stern, or two lights up by the top of the mast, or maybe even BOTH? [*](Signed), [*]Undecided About Anchor Lights Dear Dim Bulb, It depends solely on whether you want to be visited in the middle of the night, by the Authorities at slow speeds, or by other boaters at High Speeds! Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]What's with the column being so late, this week? [*](Signed), [*]Easily Bored Dear Bore, Heloise Hinckley's phone has been ringing off the hook this week, and so she didn't have a chance to get on-line, until now. EVERY single Hinckley in the North East, called up to gloat about one of these 22-apes-chasing-a-coconut football teams from New England winning the Super Bowl. New England Patriots? What's up with that? It takes a WHOLE REGION to sponsor a football team? We have THREE football teams in Florida, and I believe there are also three in California, as well. Why does it take a WHOLE REGION? Can't have the Boston Patriots? Can't have the New Hampshire Patriots? NOOOOOOO! The New England Patriots! What? Does it take 5 or 6 of those little New England States, just to fill up the stadium? That's why, SO THERE! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley. [*]This past week on the TSBB, I heard this Philistine mentioning how he anchors with a double-braid painter bent on to tri-laid line! Probably wears white after Labor Day as well! I am organizing a petition to get him banished forever, from the TSBB! Do you agree that it is absolutely necessary to keep our anchor lines tight, and our threads short? [*](Signed), [*]Upton Stuckey, Pecan Magnate Dear Stuck-up Nut, Heloise Hinckley is sorry to say, she missed that thread, as she was down below in La Santanlina, strangling the electrician, for using #2 wire instead of 2/0 wire for the lightning grounding system! Helpful Heloise Hinckley's Hint for today: Not sure if you want your sailboat grounded, or not? Then hire the electrician, I used! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I am going out sailing this weekend and since it is still rather cold, I wanted to try that Flower Pot on the Stove trick, again. The problem is, the last time I tried it, the cabin filled up with thick acrid smoke and my lungs still hurt a little, where I inhaled some of the fumes. What do you think I should have done? [*](Signed), [*]Smokey the Sailor Dear Smokey, Next time. don't put a PLASTIC Flower Pot on the stove! Use a Terra Cotta Flower Pot, you CHEAPSKATE! Sheesh! Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]This week on the TSBB, I read that it was bad luck to have bananas aboard a sailing vessel. They said it was because of fear of bugs and snakes infesting the boat. Is this really True? [*](Signed), [*]Tropical Fruit Lover Dear, uhh . . . Nahh, let's keep this a family-oriented board! Placing camphor in a hull or burning brimstone below, from time to time to de-louse a ship, was fairly common on old-time trading vessels. Here is what the REAL problem was: Sailors LOVE to help themselves to anything, not absolutely nailed down! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]We only got about 30 inches of snow this year, instead of our usual 70-90 inches up here, in the Canadian Sault. It makes our lakes very shallow in the summer, for the two weeks (OK! 10 days!), that comprises our sailing season. [*]We think it's those guys further up in BC that glommed it all. Is there anything we can do? [*](Signed), [*]Going aground, this Summer Dear Stuck in the Mud, Only a CANADIAN, would complain about not getting enough snow! As I understand it, there are a limited amount of roads passing between your provinces, are there not? We suggest you disconnect the power to the town stoplight, and place a cop out there to direct traffic. (This is to guarantee a complete traffic standstill.) As each BC vehicle on it's way to sunny south Florida, or even sunny south Bismarck, North Dakota (sunny is relative to where ya live, folks!) passes by your town, have industrial fans placed on the rooftops of buildings on either side of the traffic intersection, blow all the snow off the vehicles. Do the same thing to the railroad cars going through your town. If you can't get your snow wholesale, get it on the Installment Plan! No, don't thank Helpful Heloise Hinckley, that's what she's here for! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*] I read in the TSBB, with increasing jealousy, of all the guys putting queen size beds in their boats, for long weekenders! I am taking my ComPac-16 down to the Marquesas this spring (late spring, or early summer, if I'm smart!) and though I've tried and tried, I simply CAN'T figure out a way to shoehorn a queen size bed into my boat! I really LIKE laying across a queen size bed, diagonally. [*]Do you have any suggestions? [*](Signed), [*]Mattress Sprawler Dear Sprawler, Sleep Diagonally? Kinda self-centered, aren't ya? Tell the truth, you put the ribbed condoms on, inside-out, don't ya? Oh, very well. Let all those other guys make their ribbed frames and dowels and hinged thingies, and try to figure out where to put their plywood sections, the rest of the day. They are all missing the point. If you have an inflatable queen-size mattress, IT FLOATS! Just blow the damn' thing up and toss it over the side! Uhh . . . . ya might want to lash it to the stern cleat or something, first! You could even bring a second one for the Admirable and tie hers off at the bow! Probably be the first good night's sleep, she EVER gets! Helpful Heloise Hinckley thinks ENTIRELY too much fuss is made, of sleeping on boats! On Columbus Day Cruising Regattas, we don't bring lots of bulky bedding; we bring lots of Booze! Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I asked this in the TSBB this week, but never got a good answer: [*]What is the maximum size to single hand? [*](Signed), [*]Would-Be Single-Hander Dear Woody, This is NOT, that kind of column! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I wanted to get a way to get my mainsail up and down easier, and someone on TSBB recommended that I use sail slugs. So I got several of the critters and sewed them to the boltrope. They crawl up and down the track good enough, but they are even SLOWER, than the boltrope was! What should I do? [*](Signed), [*]Roy, The Confused Rigger Dear Roy & Trigger, Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hint for today: Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I have been trying to get the un-controlled crash gybe classified as an Olympic Sport for many years, now. I'm sure I could bring home the gold in this event! Do you have any idea how I might get the IOC to change their minds? [*](Signed), [*]Vangless In Vancouver Dear Witless in Washington, Helpful Heloise Hinckley recommends you pressure a French Judge. Sincerely, Heloise Hinckley *******************************************************************************************
[*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I went to Nawleans for the week after Mardi Gras for the very first time (Hey! They have REALLY good rates, the week after Mardi Gras! I'm not made of MONEY, ya know! Dear Shelley, Helpful Heloise Hinckley thinks you're going to be doing a LOT of penance! Tomorrow, or maybe the next day. Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I put down a wad of cash to a Master Boat Builder, for a Floor-Swee 37 and have waited patiently, ever since. While watching my kids grow up and go to college, I went with a friend of mine to take delivery of a boat he had bought (since I had never seen it done myself, and all), and Lo! And Behold! THERE was my Master Boat Builder, sweeping the floors at this other boat place! Do you think this is right? What do you think I should do? [*](Signed), [*]Boatless Und Blue Dear Bub, NOW, you know why it takes so long to build a Floor-Swee 37! A rivet here, a screw there, a little bit of fiberglass cloth swept up off the floor yonder, some resin scraped from the bottom of a can; it takes TIME, to get enough Floor Sweepings . . .oops! I mean . . . . . it takes TIME, to garner the parts for a fine Floor-Swee 37! Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hint for today: You want to help move things along a little, before your grandkids get out of college, toss a partially used roll of fiberglass cloth under a bench, when the production guy isn't looking. Every little bit, HELPS! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Knock off the smart remarks, or I'll sue you for 3 million bucks! Dear Floor Sweeper, There's that 3 million dollar figure, again. Is that how much it would take to pay off customers, in order to get your Good Name . . . . OK, just your name, back? Ya know, there's something kinda ironic, about a builder of fictitious boats, suing a fictitious character! ? Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hint for Today: Next time, just BUILD the boats! Sincerely, [*] Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I built a bunch of boats and tried to sell them, but I am curious that maybe I did it wrong or something, because of what I read in the TSBB, this past week. [*]You mean, Boat Builder's can take all the money, THEN (maybe) build the boat?!?!? [*]DOHHHHHHH!!!!! Dear Tom, Tell me this: You're doing it, Exactly Right, Tom.
Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
[*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*] So, whaddaya think? Monohull? Catamaran? Or Trimaran? [*](Signed), [*]Truman B. LeMakker Dear Trublmaker, What? Do you just FEED on bandwidth, like some kind of Cybernetic Leech? (Sigh.) Wait a minnit, I'm not done, yet. (Sigh.) Oh, very well. Firstly, did you EVER consider how lame the learned pronouncements about sailboat speed sound, to the driver of Miss Budweiser? Freakin' boat goes faster than most planes; heck she goes faster than even some jets! Never hear HER bragging about double-digit speeds! She barely even talks about TRIPLE digit speeds! No, what Miss Budweiser brags about, is how close she got to MACH! Secondly, all the guys who claim THEIR kind of boat, is the MOST fun, actually think it is because of the boat, the poor fools! It's the WATER, PEOPLE! Don't believe me? Try sailing your boat, WITHOUT some! The type of boat you prefer DOES say something (quite a lot, actually), about your personality, however. Mono hull sailors: Are packrats and LOVE to store everything imaginable, in every nook and cranny they can find in the mono's hull. If they can't find enough lockers, they start MAKING some! You can easily spot them at the ramp, because they wear parachute pants and 7 pocket shorts and the like. Catamaran sailors: Are the kinda guys who don't HAVE pockets! No storage on their boats, for the most part, either. They live for speed, and all that pocket change is just useless ballast, anyway! They only tolerate even their loved-ones, AFTER they pop for trapezes and hiking straps! Trimaran sailors: Are the kinda guys who can't make up their minds if they like cats or monos, so they have BOTH! Fast hulls on the outside, cabin in the middle, to hold their stuff! Mono hull sailors: Were given pop-up toys and punching bag stand-up toys when they were little and are used to the idea that a hull might lay over, then pop right back up. They had My Little Red Rocker, rocking chairs as toddlers and think rolling back and forth all day, is a Natural Act. Catamaran sailors: Never got over being denied a trampoline, as small children. They also tended to bounce off the walls a lot, because nobody knew about Ritalin, back then. A catamaran fulfills all their needs, because of this deep-seated psychological compensation. Now they can look at their trampolines and bounce off the waves all day. Trimaran sailors: Were the kids that got carsick, a lot. They puked all over their Little Red Rockers. They love to go out in a boat, that feels and handles like your average chaise lounge. Only fast. Monohull sailors: Worry about getting rained on. That's why they have slickers and foulies stowed below (in ONE of those lockers, somewhere). They are the ones who ALWAYS had an umbrella or London Fog at hand, as kids. Catamaran sailors: Were the kids who NEVER remembered their raincoats. They also splashed in puddles, a lot. Getting soaking wet while sailing, is normal to them for this reason. Trimaran sailors: Were the kids who would run like hell all the way home, because like the mono sailors, they didn't want to get wet, and like the catamaran sailors they always forgot their raincoats. But they were physically fast enough to (mostly) make it home in time, ahead of the rain. They tend to do that with their trimarans, too. These disparate personality types are why they tend to bicker a lot. It's because their personalities are too different, to see the other guy's point. Winter seems to have something to do with it, too. Heloise Hinckley sees all types of boats and all types of personalities, sailing around in Biscayne Bay. She NEVER sees them arguing or sneering at each other, out in the Bay. Know why? BECAUSE THEY ARE ALL OUT THERE, SAILING! Think about it, for a minute. Everybody you hear with this opinion, or that "fact", is in front of a keyboard, instead of a tiller, huh? Well, except for the "wheel" steering types. These are the highly anal retentive types, who think that if you want to go left, you turn the wheel to the left. Tillers mystify them. They are still sitting in front of a blank screen, looking for the "any" key, because the screen says: "Press any key." Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
The ORIGINAL sailing advice columnist! Accept no CHEAP imitations! [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I want to run my boat off battery power. I saw a thread in the TSBB this week that was all about batteries. I read about amp/hours, Groups, and Functionally Discharged versus just Dead, until I felt Functionally Discharged and my head hurt! [*]Can you help? [*](Signed), [*]Casino Boat Owner, Dear Casey, Certainly. These are people who are trying to maximize their battery usage with the minimum impact on their wallet. For them, there is a simple solution: A guy in south Florida thought he might have had a major sailboat power generation break-through, which would have made him fabulously wealthy, but the hamsters kept getting sea sick, and their wheels froze up a lot, from rusting in the salt air. If you are willing to learn some basic rules, like: Divide the Amp/Hrs rating by 20 hours and then multiply that by .8333 and you will find that a 105 Amp/Hr battery will deliver 4.3749 amps per hour, for 24 hours straight. This information, however fascinating, is completely useless to the average sailor. What this means to your casino boat, is that you would have lights and slot machines for approximately 128 microseconds! Here are a few options for you: Get one of those baseball field covers, and sew solar panels on it, until it is completely covered. Sew some of those Wal-Mart water weenies all along the edges, for flotation. When you go out on your gambling trips, spread it out and tow it behind you. You may have to make a few adjustments like, gambling in the daytime, instead of at night. You may also have to deal with the reflections off those massive solar arrays, occasionally bringing down airliners and whatnot, but overall you should now have sufficient power. The other option, entails getting a surplus Trans-Atlantic Cable Wire Spool, and cleaning out your local Home Depot, of extension cords . . . . . . and Helpful Heloise Hinckley recommends using a LOT of RTV silicone sealant on those connections! You could also . . . .Hey! Wait a Minute! Casino Boats Don't Have Sails! Quit wasting Helpful Heloise Hinckley's time with your lame-o questions! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I just got back from sailing the Marquesas. Boy! Are they FLAT! Turned on my TV, and they had a bunch of people who said they were at the Marquesas, too! I looked and boy, that island didn't look ANYTHING like where I was! Mountains and rocks and waterfalls and whatnot. Where I was, looked like a sand bar with Attitude. Why does it look so different on TV? [*](Signed), [*]Due West of Margaritaville Dear Margaret, Special effects. Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*] OK, I went and got a sail for my Casino Boat. We saw a sail drifting in the surf from some hapless windsurfer that never learned what SCA's are. So we put it up on the fore deck. What do you think our SA/D is? [*](Signed), [*]Lucky Les Dear Luckless, .000000000000 . . . . ahhh, who cares? Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley [*]Sure is cold! [*](Signed), [*]Freezing up North Dear Frozen North, Sure is. Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
[*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*] I tried to go out sailing this weekend, but my sailboat refused to do ANYTHING! Even though there was lots of wind, the sails simply wouldn't work! Said they didn't know which way to go without knowing both the true and apparent wind, and the proper polar diagram and vector chart, so they refused to do ANYTHING! [*]I listened to this uppity drivel for about 10 minutes, then got out my rigging knife and made me two tarps and a tablecloth, outta the main. (The jib got real quiet, after that!) NOW, my rudder is starting to ask pointed questions about Bernouilli's Principle [*]What do you think I should do? [*](Signed), [*]Single hander, facing boat mutiny. Dear Boat Bligh, Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hint for today: Cut up some scrap wood with your skill saw, right where the rudder can see you. It'll work Real Good, after that! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise, [*] I am INCENSED, that people would give fiberglass repair advice to a newbie! This is UNACCEPTABLE, as only the High Priests Of Resin, are privy to the Mysterious Modulus. ALL us high Priests KNOW, that the Gougeon Brothers are the Anti-Resin! [*]I want this blasphemy to CEASE NOW! [*](Signed), [*]Sailor Wildly Indignant about Nearly EVERYTHING! Dear S.W.I.N.E., Lighten up, for Pete's Sake! You're not THAT high, a High Priest Of Resin, ya know. For one thing, you have not even borrowed the lavabo ceremony from the Catholic Church, to show everyone your Fiberglass Purity. Here's what you do: Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Why has my boat begun doing "non-traditional" heeling? [*](Signed), [*]Boat Bligh Dear Boat Bligh, Your boat might be spending too much time, reading the TSBB board over your shoulder! It's nice to be able to look out your window at it, but just remember, it's looking back in, at YOU! : ) At least, that's what Helpful Heloise Hinckley keeps telling her shrink! It's also possible that your sailboat is getting seasick. Then tell your boat it's going to stay like that, until she quits reading weird theories and starts sailing like she used to! You know: Slow! Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
[*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]IS NOT! [*](Signed), [*]Rambler Dear Rambler, IS TOO!! (Let's face it: It doesn't really matter WHAT the topic is, does it?) [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]So, Whaddaya think about Water Balloons? [*](Signed), [*]Truman B. LeMakker Dear Troublemaker, Well! Of ALL the nerve! You mean those child's toys, used by large middle-aged children, in the Bay? They were outlawed in Biscayne Bay about 15 years ago, for typically Miami-Type reasons. 1) They had been getting bad press for some time, because people were chilling them in their ice chests, to achieve maximum effect (ice-water down your back!). In one incident, where the water balloon in the cooler actually froze solid, it was launched, and then hit a guy in the small of the back. Got him square in the kidney, causing him to pee pink, the rest of the weekend. Your idea of a fun weekend, Bub? 2) Then, the Race Committee of the Columbus Day Cruising Regatta began getting complaints that water balloons were being launched, that were filled with "inappropriate fluids"! EEUUUUWWWWW!!! 3) Finally, they started getting too accurate with the surgical tubing and nylon funnels. There was a product you could buy, called the "funnelator". Shortly after it's release to the market, people were occasionally getting knocked off their boats, when people started using bigger balloons. 12-15" diameter balloons, filled with fresh water, doing 25 mph for 50 feet in a ballistic curve; do the Math. (Have at it, Roger! So, water balloons were outlawed by the Race Committee and subsequently, the Dade County Commissioners. So what should you do? Fire and Water, Heloise Hinckley always says. Save your old out-of-date flares, and when you get water balloon'ed, use your own ancient funnelator to launch back a lit flare! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]IS NOT! [*](Signed), [*]Rambler Dear Rambler, IS TOO!! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I wanted to go sailing in my boat, in San Francisco Bay; while a very good friend of mine went sailing in his own boat, to an island we both knew about. We were going to meet up for lunch and argue about whether the True wind or the Apparent wind actually got us there, since Last Week's thread was simply too funny, not to milk for at LEAST, another week! [*]At one point, I was figuring out so many different acronyms, I had to throw out my Geodetic Survey Charts and instead, use a Scrabble board! [*]Anyhoo, my friend who works in the Mathematics Department at SFSU, never arrived! Do you think I was snubbed? Do you think he was jealous of my polar plots? What do you think I did wrong? [*](Signed), [*]Sharper VMG Sailor Dear Sharper Image Sailor, Oh, Dear! Want to REALLY find the fastest course to anywhere, under any conditions? Drink a whole lot of fluids, just before you discover the Porta-Potti valve is jammed! IMMEDIATELY, you'll start to navigate better than NASA! Yup! A protesting bladder has to be the MOST precise navigational instrument on the planet! Windspeed meters? Polar Plots? GPS? Navigational software on laptops? Hah! It is to LAUGH! A few ORDERS of magnitude, too sloppy! Hah! I LAUGH, again! Speaking of which . . . . . . . Uh-Oh! What a lot of these theoreticians forget about, is all us IDIOTS, who can't even hold a course within an semi-ordinal point, much less a few degrees, to take advantage of those capabilities! But I digress; back to YOUR problem . . . . You should NEVER let a Mathematician, or for that matter, a Philosopher, handle a sailboat! The poor dear must have started thinking about Infinity, again. Then he must have realized, that the distance of his course to the island could be sub-divided in half, an infinite number of times and that therefore, he was NEVER going to actually arrive! (Although he might get VERY close! Helpful Heloise Hinckley's Hint for today: You MUST send someone out there in the Bay, to get some food and water to him before he starves to death, as a result of a Mathematical Certainty! Might be safest to send out a nine-year-old, in a roto-molded Escape, or someone equally significantly deficient in Math. Perhaps, someone who only knows how to have fun! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]IS TOO! [*](Signed), [*]Rambler Dear Rambler, IS NOT!! (Sigh.) I can't even BELIEVE, I'm starting to miss Truman B. LeMakker! *********************************************************************************
[*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I just read where there are idiots out there, who don't even know to use the proper materials for a sail! They are using Tyvek and PolyTarp to power their boats, those Philistines! Dear S.W.I.N.E., Oh, lighten up, for Pete's sakes. Once Upon A Time, the British Empire managed to kick butt all over the World, using only ordinary canvas to power their ships, like you wouldn't even use for a painting cloth, nowadays. Seems to Heloise Hinckley, people use what will serve them, and get better things to serve them, when they can. Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hint for today: Next time you're out on your boat (uhh . . . you DO sail your boat once in a while, and don't spend ALL your time behind a keyboard, right?), try Real Hard to smile bigger and harder, than the guy who is sailing his PolyTarp Wonder, in the same water as you and in the same wind as you are. Performance junkies might be impressed with that last .002% increase in efficiency, but the rest of us can't always tell the difference, or don't really care. Whaddaya think, a 3% flatter sail is gonna keep ya from running outta beer, before ya get back to the dock? Sorry, but that's NEVER happened on La Santanlina! Tell ya what: When (or IF) you can get your monohull to go faster than ANY 13-year-old on a mountain bike, THEN you can start critiquing what kind of sails everybody ELSE can use! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I just read where there are idiots out there, who don't even know to use the proper materials for a sail! I saw a guy, using a shower curtain and clothespins, to power their skiff! Don't those jerks KNOW, that the only Proper Sail is one made of Tyvek or PolyTarp!?!? [*](Signed), [*]PolyTarp Phil Dear Polly the Pill, Oh, lighten up, for Pete's sakes. Once Upon A Time, the British Empire . . . wait a minnit, I already used that one! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I just saw where there was a guy using a big golfing umbrella, to pull his rubber inner tube, from one side of the lake to the other! The NERVE of that guy! Don't he know, ya supposed to use a broomstick and a shower curtain, artfully held together with clothespins? [*](Signed), Shower-Curtain Sailor Dear Shoutin' Sailor, Any chance you could take your sail and go home, and take a cold shower? Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I just saw where there was a guy using a piece of wood with a flat blade on the end to move his narrow-beam shallow-draft sail-less sailboat (I think he called it a canoe, or sumptin'), on OUR lake! Where do these people get off powering their boats by HAND, instead of using high tech umbrellas and rubber inner tubes, like God intended? [*](Signed), [*]Inner Tube Sailor Dear Tube Steak, See those real dark clouds on the other side of the lake? Yeah! Over there, where the wind is REAL good! Why don't you point that umbrella toward the pointy end of that cloud? I think you'll become "enlightened", sooner than you think! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]While canoeing on our lake, I just saw where there was a guy floating on his back, without ANY gear whatsoever!! Isn't there some kind of Law against that kind of crazy behavior? [*](Signed), [*]Canoeing Les Dear Clue-less, THAT'S IT!! OK!! LISSEN' UP, EVERYBODY! Here's Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hint for today: NOW you can all go out on the water and QUIT BUGGIN' FRAGILE HELOISE HINCKLEY!!! GEEZE!! IS SPRING NEVER GOING TO GET HERE?!?! Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
[*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*] My buddy thought that the thread on poly-tarp sails was just too wimpy and made himself a storm jib out of duct tape, by stretching it around some parachute cord in roughly storm jib dimensions. Actually, I think he was trying for a genoa and just ran out of duct tape! [*]Do you think it is OK to go out sailing with him, when the weather kicks up? [*](Signed), [*] Alternative Sails Sailor Dear alt.sailing, ANYONE, who would go out on a boat without ANY duct tape aboard, needs his head examined! Everybody knows you don't go on any boat that doesn't have a can of WD-40 and a roll of duct tape. If it's stuck, use WD-40; if it's loose, use duct tape! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]IS TOO! [*](Signed), [*]Rambler Dear Rambler, IS NOT!! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]What does TOO, mean? I need a Definition!! [*](Signed), [*]Dodger Dear Dodger, Probably nothing like YOU think! Why? Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]IS NOT! [*](Signed), [*]Rambler Dear Rambler, IS TOO!! Sincerely, [*]Dear Rambler [*] Well is it: IS TOO; or is it: IS NOT? [*](Signed), [*]Dodger Dear Dodger, Uhhh... was that for Me, or for Rambler? Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I don't CARE who, just so long as I'm RIGHT!! [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]IS . . . . Oooops! Ran out of time! Dear Rambler and Dodger, Could you two, please direct your questions to Heloise Hinckley's left ear, today? Yeah, the hearing aid battery IS DEAD ON THAT SIDE! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I keep having this recurring dream involving a tri-maran, the Dixie Chicks and me. Do you think this makes me a little weird? Should I just settle for a catamaran and the Landers Twins? [*](Signed), [*]Sailor Dreams Dear Wet Dreams Sailor, For the LAST time, this is NOT that kind of column! Wait a minute . . . . . . Does this fantasy involve duct tape? Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
[*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Last week I saw three guys in drag on a sailboat, and tried to gouge my eyes out. After my hysterical blindness went away and I could see again, I wondered just WHAT were those "guys" thinking? [*](Signed), [*]Dapper And Nattily Attired Dear D.A.N.A., The TSBB (Trailer Sailor Bathing Beauties) that you saw, were just trying to be practical. The tops might SEEM a little ridiculous, but are in fact, quite handy for storing sun tan oil, cigarettes, BAIL MONEY! and like all that kind of stuff. Think about it: Did YOU see any POCKETS? Didn't think so. Not to make anybody any queasier than they already got looking at that pic, BUT those bathing suit bottoms cover MORE, than your average Canadian on vacation, wears down in south Florida! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, I want to spiff up my boat for the B.E.E.R cruise this weekend near Pensacola. Everybody is polishing and shining their boats and I wanted to do something to really knock everybody's socks off and so I thought I might add a "figurehead" to my sailboat. Any hints on how to do this? [*](Signed), [*]Jonesing for a cool project Dear Jonesy, The first thing to do is to secure a figurehead. You might frequent nautical accessory shops, the Dania Marine Flea Market, or designer shops, but Helpful Heloise Hinckley recommends you just GRAB one, from your second-favorite seafood restaurant! The next thing is to secure it your bow, from behind the figurine. Use care and good taste, so that you look more symmetrical, like this: (RIGHT!!) . . . .And not asymmetrical, like THIS! (WRONG!!) ANOTHER disadvantage with the above figurehead selection, is that it will consume MUCH more BEER, than the previous example! Try to get the heaviest one you can find, mahogany or oak or something, since it will help to counterbalance your Big Fat Butt, in the cockpit of the boat and get your boat riding on her lines, for the first time since you bought it! Uhhh, try to steer clear of dolphins and manatees, so that you don't brain one, in a quartering chop! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I'm getting a little fed up, from paying 3 grand here, and 5 grand there, to the boat yard! [*](Signed), [*]Musta Seen Me Comin' Dear Easy Mark, Oooohh! Poor Baby! Don't you know, there're guys that EVERY single time they want to go out on their boat, they have to pay 3 bucks for turnpike tolls, 6 bucks to get out on Rickenbacker Causeway and 8 bucks in ramp fees! You can put a BIG hole in a 20 dollar bill! To say NOTHING of 14 dollar registration fees just for their trailer tag, and I'm talking EVERY YEAR, Bub! Which would you rather, get bled to death all at once, or a little bit at a time? Quit yer whinin' and TRY and look like the kind of Big Deal, who can go out in a 30+ foot sailboat. Wanna see someone with a WORSE expression on their face, than yours? Sail around, until you see a BIGGER boat! P.S. As far as getting your "bottom painted", I keep telling you people, this is NOT that kind of column! Sincerely, *********************************************************************************
. . . . So Charlie Jones, you say it's called TUNG OIL? Dohhhh!!!! I was using Dung Oil! Why, Hello, Readers! Let's start off with a question about the B.E.E.R. Cruise! [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I heard that the B.E.E.R cruise was great! I was sorry I couldn't go, too. If I ever DO get a chance to go, where do you think would be a good place to anchor for the night? [*](Signed), [*]Bucolic Wistful Cruiser Dear Buick Vista-Cruiser, Most any of Pensacola's, Beerier Islands will do, nicely. Editors' Note: "Uhh . . . . Heloise, . . . . isn't that BARRIER Islands?" To the Editors: No. You are looking for the islands with the most BEER available, hence: "Beerier Islands"! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I'm looking for the cheapest anchor light I can find. Do you have any hints? [*](Signed), [*]Dapper And Nattily Attired Dear NADA, Go find your nearest Catholic Church. They have this big candle, they use all the time and they get a brand new one just about this time every year. Easter or something, I dunno; I ain't been in a Church in so long, I forgot what the Cover Charge was! Next, tie a lead fishing weight to a cotton twine line and drop it down your mast. Pull the twine tight, so that it is in the EXACT center of the mast. Now, melt all that wax, until you completely FILL UP your mast extrusion, with beeswax! Congratulations! You now have a 28-foot long anchor light! You can expect about 5 years from a 28-foot long candle. Think of the advantages: OK, there are SOME disadvantages: You're gonna need a REAL long match! Plus, If anyone ever says: No, don't thank Helpful Heloise Hinckley, That's What She's There For! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]IS TOO! [*](Signed), [*]Rambler Dear Rambler, (Sigh.) Do you know how PEACEFUL, this last week was? Sincerely, |
) to INNOVATE! It gets downright BORING around here, sometimes!
You clearly, have not done your homework, young man! The REAL question should have been: Pop Secret, or Orville Redenbachers Movie Lover's? 
