Trailer Sailor Articles & Reviews
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Heloise Hinckley: The 1st Year (Part 2 of 4 parts)
Posted By: Charles Brennan, Windrose 18, So. Florida
Date: 12/28/02 2:11p.m.
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Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hints Column #14 (10/21/01) [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]How come this week's column is so short? [*] (Signed), [*]Shorty Dear Shorty, Heloise Hinckley is going on vacation this week and will be out of touch. Out of touch with TSBB readers, out of touch with the Internet, out of touch with Reality (as usual!), and out of touch with the revelers of Fantasy Fest. (Who like to touch, ENTIRELY too much! For all those up-north types who may not be familiar, Fantasy Fest in Key West, is very much like Mardi Gras in New Orleans, only, not as orderly and dignified, and perhaps just a WEE bit more alcohol and sexual antics! TSBB's very own Jobst Vandry will be down there, briefly, gawking at all the Madness. Based on our experiences with other mid-Western people seeing Fantasy Fest for the first time, we expect Jobst' eyes not to get smaller than saucers, until shortly after Thanksgiving! Heloise Hinckley originally WANTED to just run a re-print of a previous column, like Ann Landers and Dear Abby do ALL THE TIME! But, NOOOOOO! Helpful Heloise Hinckley's Hint for today: Always read the fine print in your contracts, VERY CAREFULLY! Ah, well. Heloise Hinckley will NOT be down there this year, as getting a little too much into Fantasy Fest, is one (among many!) of the things that led to her being ensconced in her current Mental Well-Being Facility. Instead, she will be traveling up north to those magical lands where, this time of year, all the trees suddenly begin to look like the inside of a cereal box, full of Froot Loops. Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I have been reading in the TSBB, about using PVC tubing for, well, practically EVERYTHING!! Boat covers and hull and keel guides and stuff like that. Since it is light, strong and very inexpensive, I want to do things like that for my boat, too. [*]Any suggestions? [*] (Signed), [*]Trying to get Organized Dear Trying, You are VERY trying, indeed! You sound a little anal retentive to me. Tell the truth: All the canned vegetables in your pantry are alphabetized, aren't they? Well, if you REALLY want some efficiency, connect a hose fitting to one end of your keel PVC tubing and cap off the other end. Now, drill numerous 1/8-inch holes in the PVC tubing all along its length. Whenever you come back from sailing, hook a hose to the fitting and rinse your hull without ever having to climb underneath! For spring fitting out, add one of those garden insecticide venturi action spray jars to the hose attachment (make sure the insecticide is gone, first!), and fill the jar with Poli-Glow! Instant hull shine! Or, fill the jar with WD-40 and let the stuff drip off the hull onto your trailer, for instant rust proofing of your cast iron keel AND your trailer frame, at the same time! Can't get more efficient than that! For the tarp cover PVC, do the same thing with the hose fittings and then you can use more Poli-Glow, or you can put the insecticide back in the jar, and give those spiders and wasps, WHAT FOR! Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Whaddaya think of those jet-drive Hinckley power boats? I been thinking of how cool it would be to own a Hinckley, but I don't know how to sail and thought this might be a good compromise. What are your thoughts? [*] (Signed,) [*]Hopeful for a Hinckley In Maine Dear Hopeless Maine-iac, They weren't able to reverse your lobotomy, were they? A Hinckley powerboat that looks like a "lobstah" boat, and is propelled along, as though it were a squid? How very absurd! Well, perhaps not quite as absurd as Pa Hinckley's Bay Scallop Drive, that he attempted many years ago! You remember as a kid, when one of your bicycle pedals broke and you pushed down really hard on the one pedal that was left, and coasted a little until the pedal came back up? Pa Hinckley expanded upon that idea many years ago on his sailing vessel, La Santanalina. What had happened was, he had run aground on some really rocky banks, near this VERY depressing building smack in the middle of San Francisco Bay, near some facility with lots of guards and searchlights, and prison guards shooting guns and whatnot. Running aground had caused his rudder to split in half lengthwise (it was very thick) from the bottom all the way up to the tiller. Since it was retractable, he found that if he lifted it up, it squeezed the two split halves together and water whooshed out the back of the rudder and the boat went forward! Just like scallops do to propel themselves around in the Bay! Pushing the rudder back down caused the split pieces to separate again. So by constant retracting/extending, he was able to propel himself out of range of the guards. It did present a bit of a dilemma, since he could only steer when the rudder was mostly retracted and back in (more or less!) one piece. But, the germ of an idea was born, and with a little genius and a LOT of California wines, Pa Hinckley tried to develop the Bay Scallop Drive. This consisted of a two-cylinder motor, whose crankshaft turned some eccentric cams that flapped some surplus catboat rudders (which in themselves, were actually converted barn doors) apart and then back together again. That sudden WHOOSH! Would stall the motor, but it would restart again on the "Coast Stroke". Pa Hinckley thought it was very economical on gas, since it was only running every other propulsion (whoosh) stroke. It was quite popular as a sailboat drive on San Francisco Bay, for about a week before all the neck whiplash lawsuits started. This was followed quickly by lawsuits from San Francisco Bay fishermen, who alleged that Pa Hinckley was robbing their Bay Scallop beds, since the scallops would start following Pa's boat around, like they thought his boat was their Scallop God. This led to the unfortunate incident, where Pa Hinckley ran aground, by coming about unexpectedly and crunched up on a scallop bed, of his own inadvertent making. The sudden hull rupture caused the fuel tanks to go up, and catch fire. The most tragic event was still to come, when Pa's stock of cases of Sherry broke, spilling sherry all over the rapidly heating water and scallops. As disastrous as it was, it made for a fine aroma! Suddenly, from Fishermen's Wharf came a dinghy, whom Pa Hinckley mistakenly assumed had come to help him, but which instead, scooped up gallons and gallons of Monday's Entrée (Sherried Scallops A La Alcatraz), and rowed briskly away, leaving Pa Hinckley to his own devices (never a good thing). So another great idea in the Annals of Sailing was lost for decades, until you asked your dumb question! So There! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise, [*]How can you tell if your wife needs a bigger boat? [*] (Signed,) [*]Dazed and Confused in Louisiana Dear Zep fan, It varies from person to person, but here are a few things to look for: 1) Does she complain, that not only did you lie about the size of your yacht, but also that you made her ROW? If you replied "yes" to ANYTHING, guess what your answer is? All is not hopeless, however. Get some really good paper stock from Office Depot, and use your color printer and Adobe Photoshop to turn yourself into a Registered Certified Yacht Broker! Yes indeed, you TOO can sail around in ALL kinds of unaffordable boats! Every time some guy wants his yacht listed, offer to take it out for an "appraisal" sail. Invite your wife along. After all, do you REALLY need to actually OWN the boat? How often do you get out anyway? Once a month? 2 or 3 times, perhaps? Any broker worth his salt, ought to be able to con, er, I mean wangle, uh, I mean APPRAISE at LEAST that many yachts! Plus, if you ever manage to accidentally SELL one, your commission should allow for air-fare and a week's charter in Caribbean waters so blue and clear, that NO crab trap can EVER sneak up on you, ever again! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Uhh . . . . Actually, I'm a Stones fan. [*] (Signed,) [*]Louisiana sailor, again Dear Louse, Ya wanna go sailing in gin-clear waters, or not? Sincerely, ****************************************************************************************** [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]This past summer, a shark in New Smyrna Beach, bit off my hand. This forced me to close my flying school, where I had several promising Middle Eastern flight students (landings were shaky, but everything else was fine). I went to the WTC to get my insurance check to pay off my SBA loan, but before I got the check, well, you know how all that turned out. [*]When I got back home, I found a really dusty letter from one of my former students and a few days later, my one remaining hand got VERY itchy and turned black. I went to my doctor, but he didn't want to let me in his office and all he would do for me, was shove a prescription (that he held by long forceps!) for Cipro, through the mail slot. [*]Using the last of my savings, I moved aboard a derelict sailboat, on the west side of Stock Island in Key West. Well, Hurricane Michelle put it on the bottom, as she went by last night and now the FEMA agent says, that with everything that was going on in the United States lately, he was sorry and all, but he was going to have to post-date my FEMA check. [*]What do you think I should do? [*] (Signed,) [*]Harwood Denton LuCasse Dear Har.D. Luck Case, You might want to keep a sharp eye out, for the plague of frogs and locusts! It's startin' to get BIBLICAL around here, folks! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Last week, you mentioned your Father's almost-famous Scallop drive. Did he abandon the idea of biomechanical propulsion, after that debacle? [*] (Signed,) [*]Curious Dear Curio, There is more genius in his idea, than he is generally given credit for. After all, EVERY motor will let you down, sooner or later. Can you eat YOUR motor, if it fails you? How much MORE incentive would an Evinrude have to run, if it knew it was either get back to the dock, or become dinner? Pa Hinckley ran many different propulsion design ideas through his feverish brain. Besides the Bay Scallop Drive, he also tried the Shrimp/Lobster Drive. This is where lobsters attached to the stern section flip their tail forward suddenly, shooting backwards just like a lobster escaping a diver; you know, a diver not as good as Charles Brennan! Then there was the Barnacle Drive. Pa saw a barnacle squirting a jet of water, at low tide on a piling, once. He got the idea to hang his hull from the docks where they take all the tourist pictures of massive sharks, putting the transom just barely in the water, until a goodly amount of barnacles accumulated on the transom. It would have been the original jet drive, but alas, he was never able to co-ordinate them all well enough, to get them to squirt ALL AT THE SAME TIME! The Oyster Drive was another disappointment. This was a variation on the Bay Scallop Drive, and didn't go nearly as fast, but DID have the advantage of being very tasty! It didn't need a motor, either, as the oysters opening and closing would provide the flapping motion. Pa figured he could get about 30 miles, per sack of cornmeal. Before he could even attach a bunch of oysters to his hull, though, they promptly attached themselves AND his hull to some dock pilings. Instead, in order to break free, he had to be towed AWAY from the dock! Quite a novelty, for a Hinckley! They usually get towed TO the dock! The Chambered Nautilus Drive never even made it off the drawing board, as its vertical propulsion was obviously better suited to a submarine, than a proper sailboat. His final (and fatal!) attempt at biomechanical propulsion was the chain plate he welded onto the front of his cast iron swing keel. He took some chain and fashioned a rather kinky-looking harness, from some store window models he saw in a sleazy part of Haight-Ashbury, then took most of a cow carcass, and went looking for a Great White Shark to pull the boat . . . . . Today's Helpful Hint from Heloise Hinckley: NEVER lean over the side of your transom and try to attach a shiny chain harness to a Great White Shark! Sniff! Sniff! Poor Pa! Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I was greatly intrigued by last week's column about bio-mechanical sailboat drives, and thought I might experiment with my Santana here in the Great Lakes, before the water gets too hard and white, like it does this time of year. I left it in the water, at the ramp over the weekend, which is about all it took for the hull to become completely covered over with zebra mussels. Next, I tossed some corn meal in the water, like Pa Hinckley did, and it made the zebra mussels, just go NUTS! As if with one mind, they all started flapping at once and tried to return to Asia, from whence they came! The sailboat moved along at a pretty good clip and all, but I was forced to jump ship at the Canadian Border. The last I heard of my boat, was a report that it was trying to transit the Panama Canal, on its way to Asia! [*]What happened, and what should I have done differently? [*] (Signed), [*]Boatless In Michigan, By Occident! Dear B.I.M.B.O., CORN MEAL? You used CORN MEAL? IDIOT!! Those are ASIAN mussels! Shoulda used crumbled-up chow mein noodles!! JEEZE!! ALL my friends know THAT! What were you THINKING? Some people! Honestly! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]In these uncertain times, and with the weather getting colder and everything, how can you tell if you have the flu, or are infected with anthrax? [*] (Signed), [*]Scared In Denver Dear SID, Quick! Grab your remote! NO!! Not THAT!! Your TV remote! Jeeze! SOME people! Now, quickly scan Fox News, CNN, Headline News, and MSNBC. Do you see your face on TV? NO? You have the flu. Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise, [*]Would it help, if I like, you know, washed my hands a lot? [*] (Signed), [*]Still In Denver, Scared Yellow Dear SISSY, It's gonna be a helluva note, if the Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder freaks, are the only ones to survive! What a neurotic world, THAT'S going to be! Helpful Heloise Hinckley's Hint for Today: Avoid the cinnamon dusted donuts, AT ALL COSTS! And wash your hands. Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]So, whaddaya think? 2WD vs 4WD? And which counts for more? Horsepower, or Torque? [*] (Signed), [*]Truman B. LeMakker Dear Trou. B. Le Maker, What? Back Again? You DO love to make even MORE trouble, don't you? Quit taking our Thorazine again, have we? Oh, very well. 2WD versus 4WD, gives many clues as to the type of trailer/sailor you are: 1) If you ever slid your vehicle into the drink and refused to admit that it was actually because you forgot to apply the parking brake, AND you left the vehicle in high gear, then a 4WD vehicle gives you the perfect rationalization for purchasing such a vehicle. At least, until it too, goes into the drink. 2) If you ever spun your wheels on the ramp, until the smoke attracted the attention of the local fire department, which ended up scrambling ALL their vehicles ("We got 19 Alarm Fires? I didn't know that!"), certain that it MUST be a major refinery ablaze, from all the thick black smoke you generated and the funky smell of scorched algae, then a 4WD vehicle might minimize your plight. 3) If you are looking for a status symbol to keep up with the other suburban "yuppies" on your block, who are already looking askance at you, because of your insistence on playing with a sailboat, instead of a proper yuppy PWC, a 4WD vehicle may allay their suspicions. For a while. 4) If you keep sliding into the drink and spinning your 2WD wheels, because what you REALLY are, is too CHEAP to get New Tires, then getting a 4WD vehicle will solve your problem! Until it's tires also get slick. 5) If you enjoy visiting remote areas where the terrain is so rugged, you didn't notice you inadvertently left your boat/trailer back in the last state, you not only NEED a 4WD vehicle, you also need a bigger REAR VIEW MIRROR! (And maybe, a beefier ball hitch.) 6) If, however, buying a 4WD vehicle prevents you from being able to also afford a sailboat, then you might be a 2WD candidate. Like all the rest of us. 7) A 2WD vehicle shows the world you are confident in your abilities to launch and retrieve your boat, and that you have mastered the manly skill of using: WHEEL CHOCKS! 8) A 2WD vehicle shows that you have tow-club membership and are NOT ashamed to use it! 9) A 2WD vehicle shows that SAILING is more important to you, than how you got there, to do it! You have also been clearly following the thread last week, about torque and horsepower. So, here are the REAL things you need to know: 1) There is no "torque". Some engineering student invented the term on the spot, to fake out his physics professor in college, solely to disguise the fact that he simply didn't know the answer. Continuing with this deception for his Master's Thesis, he went on to invent an entire career at General Motors, working on this entirely fictitious force. His success in scamming this concept of an imaginary force on his bosses was so great, that there are now entire departments at GM devoted to improving torque, none of whom now want to admit to the deception and lose out on all their stock options! The only true torque in that thread, was from people torqueing each other off. After all, your engine has the same horsepower in neutral for a given rpm that it does in drive. Where do all them "torques" GO, when you are in neutral? Ever think of THAT? 2) The horsepower freaks are only buying big hp vehicles because the only big hp engines around, are REALLY old and so they are using this argument to disguise the TRUE reason, which is that they are basically: CHEAP! 3) The arguments over in-line engine blocks versus V blocks, are because they are reluctant to admit what their REAL problem is, namely: Their vehicles all need a Tune-Up, REALLY BAD! A little less sailing and a little more maintenance, guys, and it won't actually matter WHICH type of block you use! Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hint for today: If removing your air filter, is the difference between getting your boat out of the ramp, or not, you may need a tune-up. 4) Whether you want to call it torque, or horsepower, or both, what you REALLY need from a vehicle is ACCELERATION! Whilst ostensibly mowing the lawn; to be able to sneak from the lawnmower to the driveway and get hitched up to your sailboat, then get the vehicle started up and screaming down the street, before your wife can manage to get from the kitchen to the front door, is what you REALLY need from an engine! Everything else, is just window dressing. Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley [*]What did you think of the Leonid meteor showers this past weekend? You know, all those really pretty streaks in the sky, every few minutes? [*] (Signed), [*]Night Star Looker Dear Night Stalker, Heloise Hinckley has experienced the phenomenon of which you write, almost nightly, ever since an unfortunate "incident" at a party, back in the 60's. Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Reading the TSBB thread on saw/grain dust explosions, gave me an idea for a solution to a timely problem. What if we took those pesky letters with anthrax dust all over them and then blew them onto an open flame? The resulting fireball would kill all the spores! What do you think? Do you think I could get a patent on this idea? [*] (Signed), [*]Hopeful Solution to Disease Dear Hopelessly Diseased, Uhh . . . . . . yeah . . . . You could probably get a patent . . . . . if you survive! Today's Helpful Hint from Heloise Hinckley: When you go to test this, DON'T Inhale! EXHALE! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I keep reading on the TSBB, about guys making birds mouth spars, building their own rudders, applying fiberglass sheathing to older wooden boats, rebuilding ancient Limey motors, even building whole boats! Seems like EVERYBODY is doing something to their boats! Geeze! All I ever do with MY sailboat is, well, Sail it! [*]Does this make me weird? [*] (Signed), [*]Sailing Sailor Hi Sailor, (And if Heloise Hinckley only had a nickel, for every time she's said THAT! In response to your question: What's the MATTER with you?!?! Why aren't you out there second-guessing Herreshoff, Hess, Turner, and Bolger like the REST of us? Ya think just because Hunter, O'Day, Catalina, Ensenada, Balboa, Laguna and Montgomery build boats a particular way (you know, so they float and whatnot), that's the LAST WORD on the subject? You clearly, have no imagination! Let's start seeing a little more effort, huh? Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I thought long and hard about your letter, but the only thing I could come up with is, that I wish my tiny cabin was a little roomier looking. Since anything more mechanical than a pair of scissors confuses me, I was hoping you had some hints for how to improve my cabin's appearance. [*] (Signed), [*]Sailing Sailor Dear Sailor, Certainly, Helpful Heloise Hinckley is here to help! Make the cabin of your puny sailboat look roomier, for someone with no mechanical skills whatever, Hmmmm? HEY! CINDERELLA! WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, THE FAIRY GODMOTHER, OR SOMETHING? Oh, very well. Go out and purchase a copy of Sail Magazine. Peruse the ads for boats you'll never EVER, be able to afford in a Bazillion Years and look for a picture of a cabin layout that pleases you. Cut it out, then take it to your local poster shop and tell them you want it blown up to poster size. Take the poster home and glue it to the forward bulkhead. Helpful Heloise Hinckley recommends you use 3M 5200 to affix it to your bulkhead, solely because she's in a sadistic mood, today! See? The picture only makes it LOOK like there's another cabin and settee further beyond the bulkhead! Impress your friends, when they go sailing with you and look inside through the companionway hatch and see how the inside of the boat appears to extend a good 20 feet past the bow! Next, glue on some of those stick-on plastic mirror tiles to the rear bulkhead, so the mirror's reflection picks up the poster and makes it look like there's ANOTHER cabin and settee, going AFT! Now you have all the "roominess" of a 65-footer, no matter in which direction you look! Caution: DON'T SMILE! Your teeth might hit a bulkhead and ruin the effect. Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Suppose, just suppose, there was some reason that you could NEVER sail again. No way. No matter what. [*]What would you replace it with in your life? [*] (Signed), [*]Skipper Dear Skippy, Look, you wanna get some free research for some book on sailboats that you're writing, do it like all the OTHER authors do: JUST MAKE SOMETHING UP! On a personal note; Heloise Hinckley was once told this very same thing by her shrink: "Heloise you can NEVER go sailing again. No way. No matter what. There is just NO ROOM in the Physical Therapy Pool, for La Santanalina! Plus, do you know how dumb you look, trying to come about?" Why else do you think they made a whole wing for the Emotionally Frail, at the Institute For Mental Wellness, also known as the Home for the Chronically Groovy, just for HER? Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]So whaddaya think? Linux or Windows? [*] (Signed), [*]Truman B. LeMakker Dear Tru B Lemaker, Oh! Dear God! Not YOU! Not AGAIN! Geeze! These are the days, when Helpful Heloise Hinckley wonders WHY she ever quit her previous job, as Cat Food Taste Tester and got into the columnist racket! Actually, one's choice of OS is also a very good indicator, of the kind of boat they sail and how they sail it. 1) Windows owners, never get too excited if their sailboat springs a leak in the centerboard trunk, or even goes aground. Losing their motor doesn't worry them much, either. Not much works right on their computer, why should their sailboat be any different? 2) Linux owners, are so smug that NOTHING can EVER happen to their OS, that they FREAK on their sailboats, when the motor coughs, or the running light blinks, or whatnot. They tend to tinker. A LOT! Their OS is probably NEVER going be finished either, so they see nothing wrong with their sailboat following suit. 3) Windows owners never get too excited when idiot power boaters cut them off, or jet skiers threaten their lives. Windows owners are only too happy to "suffer fools gladly", while on their sailboats. After all, they've had SO much practice with Bill Gates! 4) Linux owners like OS's with an arcane and obscure command syntax. This is what makes them naturals, for sail boating lingo. Things like: Port! Starboard! (Instead of right and left, er, uh, well, left and right!) Bow! (Instead of: "the pointy end!") Hard a'lee! A'baft! Fall off! They are perfectly comfortable with NO ONE EVER being able to quite understand ANYTHING they are saying, even though it SOUNDS like it MIGHT be English! This pays off handsomely for them, later on in life, because after they've lost their minds (occupational hazard of owning a Linux system), nobody is too sure if they are babbling incoherently, or if maybe it's only that a new kernel has just been released. By the time the authorities have checked back with Red Hat, they're on the loose again! 5) Windows owners are so used to viruses in their computers, that a little mold on the cabin walls, perhaps a little rot in the deck core, or a few gaping holes in the sails, just doesn't get them too excited. After you've rebuilt your computer a few times, rebuilding a sailboat is Nothing! 6) Mac Owners are so used to everybody putting them down, for having a Mac, that buying a Macintosh comes naturally to them! Apple's marketing tactics and pricing, also makes them the most likely candidates, for paying retail prices for a new boat, instead of buying ancient orphans like the rest of us! 7) Amiga owners see nothing amiss at buying 18-year-old boats, since using an 18-year-old computer and OS, is also normal to them! They also like to install 8-tracks in their boats and play Super-Tramp, REALLY LOUD! Then, when one of Super-Tramp's songs shows up in a Gap commercial, they can convince themselves, they are still Cutting Edge! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I am a sailboat lover from Chicago (never saw a sailboat, I didn't try to buy!), and have commissioned a sailboat to be built. I was so enamored with the sailboat; I even started up a boat building business! The problem, as it always is with new start-ups, is capitalization. I need something to keep generating cash flow, until the business can stand on it's own. Do you have any hints for me? [*] (Signed), [*]Hemorhaging Red Ink in Chicago Dear Hinky, You are truly in luck! Heloise Hinckley got a suggestion just this very morning, when she said to a former dot com millionaire: "Hey! Orderly! Someone got sick on the floor, again! Ya wanna mop that up, or what?" While he was mopping, he was talking about getting a domain name called: By Others. So, here's what you do: Incorporate a sub-contracting and consulting business called: By Others. You should set up branch offices in all 50 states. You'll be raking it in, in no time! Heloise Hinckley knows of a likely candidate in south Florida, whose resume you might want to peruse. Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]How DARE you disparage such a SUPERIOR OS as Linux! Why, I'll have you know, that in terms of stability an q98yg[n a;lfhv010745-4 (Connection lost. User disconnected. Divide by zero overflow. Terminated abnormally.) ******************************************************************************************* [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Lately, I've been having nightmares, as a result of the listings on the TSBB roster. Finally putting faces to all those names is well, frankly, a little SCARY! I tried putting an extra deadbolt on my door, but that only helped for a little while. [*]What scares me the most are the ones who are either so hideous they CAN'T print their picture; or else the ones who are obviously under the Witness Protection Program and WON'T print their pictures to the roster! It's getting to where smiley faces creep me out! I also get this recurring dream, where an EYEBROW is devouring me! [*]What should I do? I hate wasting good drugs just to sleep at night, but I'm starting to get DESPERATE! [*] (Signed), [*]Fearful Catamaran Sailor Dear Fraidy Cat, BOO!! Consider these points: 1) All these people are SMILING! Can you imagine how grotesque they would appear, if they weren't SAILING? (Hope this thought doesn't increase your pharmaceutical intake!) Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]So, Whaddaya think? Potter 19, Precision 18, or Montgomery 17? [*] (Signed), [*]You Know Who Dear Troublemaker, AAUGGHHHH! Helpful Heloise Hinckley is ONLY going to answer your question, if you PROMISE not to bug her for the rest of the year! All right, then. If you want to know the REAL DEAL, ask a Windrose 18 owner. We know one in south Florida who has been passed up by them all, at one time or another, on one race or the other and therefore has impartial and equal respect for all of them. We called up our far-flung correspondent in south Florida and asked HIM what HE thought. His report: What you do is, you wait for the kind of day that makes you wonder if God somehow got his hands on some glitter. You leave the half-mown lawn behind you, and head for the ramp. Crossing the causeway, looking across the water, you wonder vaguely if they even have names for some of those colors of blue and green that you are seeing. Launch your boat and head out. Motoring doesn't count. Tacking doesn't count. Neither does running. Nope, put that baby on the tightest beam reach you possibly can, and then hold that heading while you tweak the tiller and the mainsheet and the jib sheet, until the boat will do no more. Hold this course, until the cars, the motor boats and even the jet airplanes overhead, fade to a tiny little unimportant hum, virtually buried under the swoosh of the water behind you and the spray threatening to make it over the cabin top and into the cockpit. NOW, have someone take that tape measure and measure your smile. Write down the number of that measurement. Repeat, with the other two models. Biggest number, "wins". So, dear Troublemaker, after all the learned opinions, guess which one, is the ONLY one that counts? Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise, [*]Uhh, It's me, again. When do you think it will be safe, for me to actually start visiting the TSBB roster websites? [*] (Signed), [*]Fearful Catamaran Sailor Dear Fraidy Cat, Hmmmm, isn't fearful and catamaran, almost an oxymoron? Well, in your case, I think I'd wait until your pharmacist gets in a 55 gallon drum of Haldol, then I'd go for it! Helpful Heloise Hinckley's Hint for today: Web visitation recipe: Have one Rum-Runner, then visit a web site. Have another Rum-Runner, then visit another web site. Repeat, until the web sites start to make sense. Then turn off the computer, and try to arrange to be standing next to the bed, when all that rum finally hits you! Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* Oh! Hello Dear Readers! Just getting some last minute "spiffing up" tips from a knowledgeable TSBBer! The Holiday Season is upon us, and we want the boat to look especially nice for those Christmas Cards, you know! Now, on to our first question:
[*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]How can you tell when your sails are blown out? [*] (Signed), [*]Loves a Long Thread
Dear Loveless,
This depends entirely, on the type of sailor you are.
1) Gung-ho fanatic racing sailors are convinced their sails are COMPLETELY blown out, approximately 25 yards after crossing over the starting line. After all, it COULDN'T be the inept foredeck crew, or a sloppy helmsman, now could it?
2) The lesser maniacal racers are only convinced their sails are blown out, when another boat passes them.
3) Your weekend club racer believes his sails to be blown out, when he ALMOST got his name on the silver, and only missed it by a few points. He actually missed it, not because of a few points, but because of a few 6-packs, but don't tell him that to his face!
Helpful Heloise Hinckley's Hint for Today: Skippers, more 6-packs in the crew, and fewer 6-packs in YOU, makes for a more balanced racing program! 4) Weekenders who cruise, are blissfully unaware that their sails are blown out, until they begin to notice that there seems to be a LOT more daylight coming through the sails, than last year. To them, "blown out" means exactly the same, as it does on an automobile tire. All of a sudden, there's a big hole in the sail, just like a big hole in the tire. They treat both the same way: Just patch it and continue on.
5) Novice sailors who bought an old boat to teach themselves sailing, are frequently the victims of blown-out mainsails, when told by unscrupulous sellers: "Yeah, we got TWO balloon spinnakers in the suit of sails, one Dacron cloth, one Nylon cloth!" So they go sailing, thinking their mainsail is SUPPOSED to bow out like that. Hey! It does that, in all the Morgan the Pirate Movies! 6) Cheapskates who keep squinting their eyes tighter and tighter, so the main still looks like it has SOME shape, round out the list. They are the ones you see from time to time, trying to squeeze another season out of their sails, by using about 25 or 30 cans of the wife's spray starch and a steam-iron, to get some shape back into the sail.
Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I heard that conch makes a very good aphrodisiac, even better than oysters! I have a really hot date this weekend, and I bought a lot of conchs to make certain of the outcome and everything and NOW some know-it-all in the TSBB, said they taste like pencil erasers! How am I going to get la . . . uh, LAND another date with this girl, if that's what conchs are really like? Any ideas? [*] (Signed), [*]Hopeful Cook
Dear Hopeless Kook,
Firstly, conchs are a VERY good foodstuff that is high in Omega something-or-the-other, seafood protein and whatnot, zero fat, low cholesterol, promote strong jaws; all in all, an EXCELLENT animal to eat! Plus, it's a lot of fun, when you are challenged by one of those preachy vegetarian types (who would NEVER ever get a date, if they didn't have such killer bodies!), who keep telling you, that they don't eat anything with a face. Demand that they draw you a picture of a conch face! HAH! Can't do it, can they? By the time you buy it in the market, all that will be left is the muscle tissue. Oh, "muscle tissue" grossing you out, is it? Lots of people that wouldn't eat segmented muscle tissue from a castrated steer, LOVE to eat Steak! Hmmmm, maybe conch just needs better marketing! Maybe a zippy slogan!
CONCH! THE ORANGE MEAT! Hmmmm, might have to work on that some more . . . . .
OK, for your "lucky" night, start off with a conch salad. You take finely chopped celery, onion, carrot, green pepper, some V-8 juice, some Tabasco sauce, some lime juice (only whacked-out-on-ganja Jamaicans, use lemon juice!) and finely minced conch and toss it all together. Let it sit (refrigerated) for at least two hours. The lemon juice and Tabasco and V-8 juice will chemically "cook" the conch, just like a ceviche.
For a really excellent drink, drain off some of the excess liquid and add a really big slug of vodka or gin! Or both, if the idea of uncooked conch gets to you! For the appetizer, conch fritters, of course. Take the scraps leftover from making the salad, the celery, onion, carrot minces etc. and mix them up into an ordinary hush puppy mixture. Add the minced conch pieces, just before you drop them into the frying pan. You can make round ones hush puppy shaped, like the Jamaicans, or flat fritter style like the Bahamians, your choice. The round ones cook faster, but the fritters taste better. How much in a hurry to get la . . uh, a satisfactory conclusion to the evening, are you in? On to the main course: Cracked Conch. This is where you take a meat-tenderizing hammer and just beat the bejesus out of the conch, until it has the appearance and consistency of lace. Bread it in a tempura style batter and sautee it, until tender. It's actually quite tasty.
Now, the only thing to be careful of, is when you go to kiss her, and her jaws are so weak from the evening's meal, that when she opens her mouth, her jaw falls on her chest and stays there! How you proceed from there, is entirely up to you! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]How do you get steam-iron scorch marks out of a main sail? [*] (Signed), [*]Frugal Son of the Sea
Dear Cheap Bastard,
First, lay your mainsail out on the ground, scorch side, up. Next, take a Black and Decker vibration sander. (We all KNOW, you're too cheap, to buy Porter-Cable or Milwaukee, or something good!) Put some sand-paper on it, 80 grit should be about right. Sand in a smooth continuous motion, passing over the scorch marks both up and down, as well as left and right. Keep sanding, until you have completely erased all traces of scorch marks. You'll know you're done, when all that remains is the bolt-rope and/or the sail slugs.
There! Now you HAVE to buy a new sail, you CHEAP-SKATE! Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* Dear Readers,
Can you imagine? Heloise Hinckley "partied hearty" just a little TOO hearty at the Christmas Eve Party, at the Home For The Chronically Groovy, this year! Oh, you COULD imagine, huh? As a result, her regular column this week will be ably authored, by good friend and erstwhile occasional resident at the Mental Wellness Wing, famous craftsperson and Bazillionaire: Martha Stuart!
(Hey! You didn't HONESTLY think we were going to spell the name correctly and have a ton of lawyers come down on top of us, did you? Hello everyone, and Happy Holidays to you all! My friend Heloise is having a Holiday that is just a little TOO Happy, if ya know what I mean! After I got inside the sailboat and saw how dreadful and drab everything was, I decided to brighten it up a little and to make some festive crafts in the Holiday Tradition, using common items found aboard the sailboat. Besides, I figure I can still niche-market and unload just ONE MORE crummy Holiday Special onto some hapless cable operator, and squeeze the VERY LAST DIME out of the Holiday Season! Hey! It's a Good Thing! A Good Thing, is ANYTHING, that puts another mil or two, into the old Martha Stuart Bank Account!
First off, the baggy wrinkle on this boat is all, well, WRINKLED! Haven't you people ever heard of Permanent Press? You should cut up some Martha Stuart percale sheets in designer colors, to match your boat's colors. These may be obtained from the Martha Stuart Web Site. A little starch, and a good hot steam iron, and now we have nice, crisp, baggy FLAT! Much Better!
It's a Good Thing! Next, there seemed to be a LOT of rope on this tub, er, SAILBOAT! Let's start out by making a festive holiday wreath that is nautically inspired! Take all those lines from below and cut them all up, into 12- 14-inch lengths. Take two anchors and lash their shanks together, forming a rough wreath form, from the flukes. Start weaving those lengths of line, around and around the anchor flukes. If you run low on line pieces, don't worry, there seems to be plenty of lines running up and down that tall stick, in the middle of the boat! Use ALL you need! When finished, hang your nautical rope wreath on the companionway hatch, with pride!
It's a Good Thing. That red and green light, up at the pointy end of the boat is VERY Christmas-y looking and Festive! Colors of the Season and all. Get rid of that boring white light at the back of the boat and put a green and red light, at THAT end too! Motor around the Harbor in pride, while you notice how boats all around you, go zipping EVERY which way, all over the place, trying to get a better look at those lights. Or perhaps they are trying to avoid you, or something. Some people just have NO Christmas Spirit! Having made a fortunate find of a sail maker's needle and sailing whipping twine, Martha Stuart decided to fall back on her favorite old standby of threading a Gazillion cranberries onto a line, to make a festive garland. It's EASY, when you have a dozen or so minimum-wage lackeys off-camera, who either better get REAL busy and hop to it, Missy, or else, it's back to whatever third-world country they came from! Hey! MAKEUP! It's A Good Thing. Stretch the garland from the bow pulpit rail to the dock pilings and back to the stern railing. Drape them in artistic festoons. My Goodness! DUCK! WOW! Those Seagulls really do go for a free meal, don't they? All the bright-red bird droppings, on all the other decks and sails and sail covers in the Harbor, should make ALL the boats look EVER so much more Festive! Look! Already, all the owners are coming up on deck and waving at us, even now! With closed fists! Hmmmm! Must have forgotten their mittens! You know, there are some really toasty-warm woolen mittens (which may be purchased from the Martha Stuart Web Site, it's a Good Thing!), still available in time for Christmas!
Having found some bright orange vests and a rigging knife, it seemed like a good idea to make a "snowfall scene" inside the cabin. Not having any artificial craft snow at hand like we usually do (it's just finely ground white Styrofoam, which may be purchased from the Martha Stuart Web Site, it's a Good Thing!), we simply took the rigging knife and repeatedly plunged the marlin spike into the vests, until a fluffy fibrous material began sprinkling out all over the inside of the cabin, kind of like having a pillow fight in the North Woods. Two of these vests did not seem to have enough "snow" (or kapok, I think someone may have called it), so we were forced to use ALL of the funny over-stuffed vests!
It's a Good Thing! For a more "layered" and "textured" snowfall look, squeeze the handle on that red metal bottle (Look! MORE Christmas colors!), from the corner locker and you'll get ALL sorts of powdery white snow-looking powder, to finish out the effect! Spray it generously, all over the cabin, EVERYWHERE! Wheee!! Isn't Christmas decorating, FUN?!?! Since there seems to be just OODLES of starchy white fabric in the locker up front, grab one of the larger pieces of white fabric and a sharp pair of shears (which may be purchased from the Martha Stuart Web Site, it's a Good Thing!), and grab a good handful of cloth and fold sections of it into three folds. Cut diagonally about 6 inches across the triple folded section, in a semi-circular curve, with a little curly-cue at the end. When un-folded, this will result in a snowflake, 6 inches in diameter and also an inverse snowflake form in that big white cloth piece. Do this VERY MANY times, all over that fabric in random positions, until you have just hundreds of them, all hither and yon!
Paste the cloth snowflakes all over the cabin sides and onto all the woodwork for a cheery, frosty, winter scene! If you can find another one of those red metal bottles, try "dusting" the snowflakes for a more natural appearance! I'm certain Heloise Hinckley won't mind; after all, it looks like those bottles have NEVER been used! Martha Stuart found some 3M 5200, which seems to work nearly as well as Martha Stuart Craft Paste (which may be purchased from the Martha Stuart Web Site, it's a Good Thing!), to affix the snowflakes. For a helpful hint, it seems the shinier the wood, the better that stuff sticks! Finally, for a truly breathtaking sight, take that big triangular fabric piece, and if there are any lines left on that tall stick outside, attach one of them to that big fabric piece with all the snowflake holes in it and pull it as high into the air, as you possibly can! Stretch it tautly and shine a million power spotlight behind it, and VOILA! You now have a 145 square-foot snowflake LUMINARY! For an even warmer "glow", try back-lighting that huge luminary with those fast burning candle-looking stick thingies that you found, in that orange box down in the cabin. They burn with a very red and rosy glow. Don't use the orange colored sticks, as they are a little too smoky, especially when you light one off, inside the cabin! Bask in the glow of a Job Well Done, as everyone in the Harbor gapes silently, in open-jawed wonder! How Festive!
It's a Good Thing! On behalf of all the "voices" that live inside Helpful Heloise Hinckley's Head: (Signed), ******************************************************************************************* Dear Readers,
OK, so I wake up on Wednesday, and go out to my sailboat . . . . . . . .
AUGGGHHHHHHH!
Martha TRASHED MY BOAT! That Rotten B ! T ¢ H! See if I ever buy one of her trinkets, again! Oh, well.
In anticipation of a Serious Relapse of being on the wagon, for the New Year's Eve Festivities and all, this will be a somewhat abbreviated column, this week! (Hey! Helpful Heloise Hinckley just drinks to Relax! Sometimes, she gets so relaxed, she can't move! ) [*]Dr. H. H. [*]Wht dd yu tnk of my xmas crfts & mods? [*] (S.), [*]M.
[*]Editors Note: OK Heloise! That's a little TOO abbreviated! Knock it off!
(2nd try) [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley,
[*]What did you think of all my Christmas modifications and crafts, that I applied to your sailboat? I would have taken you to the harbor and shown you myself, but you were still "asleep" when I left.
[*] (Signed), [*]Your "It's A Good Thing" Friend, Martha
Dear R. B.
(Trust me, editors; that was a good place for an abbreviation! You just don't know very much about boats.
In fact, how would you like to go out sailing with me, on New Year's Day? We could sail out to the 150 Fathom line in the Gulf Stream, where the water turns from blue to almost purple. Remember that "wreath" you made by lashing two heavy anchors together and chopping up all my line to wrap around it? You know, that expensive 10 bucks per foot, Z-tech double-braid line that I was stupid enough to buy in red and green colors; never once DREAMING someone would think that was a nice Christmasy color and just up and chop it into little bits??
Well, I thought: "How nice it would be to take a photo of you, with that anchor/wreath AROUND YOUR NECK!" Just before an "unexpected" crash gybe! Believe me, it would be "A Good Thing!" At least, Helpful Heloise Hinckley is completely sure she would feel EVER so much better! Today's Helpful Hint from Heloise Hinckley: Don't discard those heavy, used truck parts, when working on your tow vehicles. Keep them stowed below, with a few wire coat hangers! You just never know, when you might want to Deep Six something and KEEP it Deep Sixed! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley,
[*]I am all stoked after reading about dolphins this week, in the TSBB. I didn't know there were ocean-going dolphins; all I ever see are Bay Dolphins. Where could I go to see the Oceanic dolphins?
[*] (Signed), [*]Fan of Dolphins
Dear Dolphan,
They may be found all over the ocean, so you can go most anywhere.
Uhhh . . . . . DON'T go near the 900 foot depth where the Gulfstream goes from blue to violet, for a few days, or so. There may be too many sharks there for a while, for the dolphins to go near that area. I dunno why, . . . . . might be something in the water! Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley,
[*]Do you think the recent southern cold snap was punishment from God, for gloating all these years, to the Northern brethren? [*] (Signed), [*]Chattering in Chattanooga
Dear Chatty, Well . . . . . either God, or Tom Parrent!
Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley,
[*]I'm used to checking 9-volt batteries by touching the ends of the battery, to the tip of my tongue. A dead battery tastes flat, a fair one has some zing; and a brand-new one, starts feeling TOO good! After a while, I have to quit! [*]Anyway, on my sailboat battery, it's REAL hard to get my tongue on both terminals at once, to see if the battery needs charging. I went to a marine store and they tried to sell me a 4-Stage Charger. When I pointed out that Man went to the Moon, with only a 3-Stage Rocket, they threw me out! [*]Next, I checked on the TSBB bulletin board, where there was a raging argument about how to properly charge a battery. I read the threads, until my head began to hurt. I never KNEW a little electron, could be SO wily!
[*]Do you have any hints on how I can check my battery for a decent charge, without spending an arm and a leg?
[*] (Signed), [*]Evan, the Battery Licker
Dear EverReady,
What gave you the headache were all those technical types, who obsess over numbers. Do you REALLY think electrons KNOW if they've sufficiently coated a lead plate, or not? Do you HONESTLY believe they have conversations like: "Any room on this plate?" "Nah, try over by the anode side!" Or, "Oh, No! It's a Cluster Riot on Cell #2! LOOK OUT! I THINK IT'S GONNA SHORT!"
I mean, Really Now.
If you want to short-cut all their arcane charging rituals, feel free to do so. After all, Wal-Mart has Battery Sales, Twice a year! Here is Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hint for a frugal (ya know, CHEAP!) Battery Charge Indicator:
1) Get that commemorative Elvis stamp, the one where he is wearing the yellow sports coat. Heloise Hinckley has this indicator already installed on La Santanalina. Here, let me flick on the cabin light and show you:
AUUGGHHHHHH!!!
IT'S RED! ENTROPY IS ALREADY OCCURRING!! LIGHT IS SLOWING DOWN!! OMIGOD!! THE UNIVERSE IS WINDING DOWN, 200 TRILLION YEARS EARLY!! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD, EVERYBODY!!!
Oh! No, wait a minute. Hit the night vision nav switch by accident! Never Mind, Everyone! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley,
[*]I understand from reading the TSBB, that Tom Parrent is going to visit Charles Brennan this week, down in south Florida. Will we be able to read about it, next week?
[*] (Signed), [*]Just Curious
Dear J.C.,
As you well know, Heloise Hinckley NEVER does "re-runs". (Didn't check the fine print in her contract, closely enough! It's called: The Book of Revelations.
Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley,
[*]I waited until "next year" just like you asked.
[*]So whaddaya think? [*]Dodge van or Ford truck? [*]Open Transom or Closed? [*]Epoxy or Polyester?
[*] (Signed), [*]K. Lingda (on board the S.S. Troublemaker)
Dear Klingon,
Oh, very well. Dodge or Ford, is what my great-great-grandpa used to have to do to get across the Red River, back in the Old Days. When he was a young man, they used to put Cadillac engines in Ford model A's and call them "Fordillacs". If you too, wanted the best of all worlds, you would put a Dodge engine and power-train in a Ford truck, and you'd have a part Dodge, part Ford truck, called: A Dork.
Open transom, or closed? This sounds like a personal problem to Heloise Hinckley! Oh! You mean the BOAT! Epoxy or Polyester?
Sorry, but Heloise Hinckley thinks you've been inhaling WAYYY too much of BOTH! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley,
[*]I heard that Tom Parrent and Charles Brennan were both going to be on the SAME BOAT, this week! And that there would be earthquakes, lightning, tidal waves, monsoons, tsunamis, blizzards . . . and that's just in Monroe County in the Keys! Plus mutated frogs, two headed sheep, the earth's magnetic poles swapping end for end, and dancing in the streets! I said all the prayers I knew, right down to: "Now I lay me down to sleep", plus I hid under the bed all weekend.
[*]Is it safe to come out now?
[*] (Signed), [*]Fearful
Dear Fearful,
No.
Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley,
[*]I did not care for your comments in response to my letter. I am NOT a klingon and would prefer you address me as: Sir!
[*]My new problem is, none of the holes line up on my truck, where I am trying to put in the Dodge engine and tranny. Do you have any hints?
[*] (Signed), [*]K. Lingda from Bowling Green, Kentucky (on board the S.S. Troublemaker)
Dear Sir K.Lingda Bowl,
If you want to be a TRUE TSBBer, you have to be resourceful! You have to be innovative! You have to be CHEAP! Get a bag of heavy-duty ty-raps and run them through the holes in the frame and the holes in the engine/drive-train mounts. Run as many ty-raps as will fit in the holes. For example, a 1/2 inch hole will hold about 6 ty-raps.
To test this, take your BRAND-NEW Capri 18, with the bulb keel, and try launching it at that 400-foot deep lake they have Out West. Heloise Hinckley suggests a vigorous snap launch! That should solve ALL your drive-train problems! Sincerely, |
) Fantasy Fest is going on in Key West now, and right up until Halloween.
Kind of like Open Anarchy, only not as organized.
