Trailer Sailor Articles & Reviews
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Heloise Hinckley: The 1st Year (Part 1 of 4 parts)
Posted By: Charles Brennan, Windrose 18, So. Florida
Date: 12/28/02 2:12p.m.
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Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hints (Trailer/Sailor Edition) Yes, Dear Readers, it's Heloise Hinckley with maritime, and sailing hints for the thrifty, crafty, and knowledgeable sailor! As readers write in from time to time, we will print the question and response for the benefit of all of our readers. 1) Spider stains. This is clearly an up-north problem. This is because south Florida's Banana Spiders, and Wolf Spiders are so big, they don't leave stains; the boat owners are the ones that leave the stains! 2) Pool noodles, with a rope run through them lengthwise and stretched between the mast and the backstay, makes an excellent resting place for Heloise Hinckley to lean over, until she recovers from her arduous spider-stain removal! 3) Chum (chopped up fish parts) prices are getting so dear in south Florida, that all the charter boat mates (former dot-com millionaires) have been reduced to mixing cat food and rice, to attract fish. On slow nights, this home-made chum with a seaweed wrap (available from any Oriental foods market), makes for a passable meal, and the taste is virtually indistinguishable from what they have been feeding Charles Brennan, on his fat-free, taste-free diet. 4) Much has been made of various tiller extension ideas, but the Truly Thrifty will merely sit next to the companionway hatch, and lean WAYYYYYYY back . . . . . . Tune in tomorrow, when we answer various reader questions, such as: "Dear Heloise Hinckley, How much do we have to chip in, to make you go away?" Charles Brennan *******************************************************************************************< br> Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hints Column #1 (7/28/01) Today, Dear Readers, we have a letter from Tipsy in Tavernier Key, asking a water ballast question. [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]My buds and me got the idea to fill our water ballast tanks on our water ballast sailboat with beer, instead of water. We were getting entirely too bruised in weather, from all the kegs banging around in the cabin. But, we ran into a problem. The more we drink, the less ballast we have! This is very bad, as we are getting tipsy all by ourselves from drinking all that beer (those water ballast tanks are HUGE!), and the boat starts getting tipsier, as well. We still are not completely sure if we lost Howie over the side, on our last trip, or if he never actually made the trip with us; things started getting a little foggy, ya know? [*]What should we do? [*]Signed, [*]Tipsy in Tavernier Key. Dear Tipsy, Firstly, Heloise Hinckley does NOT advocate operating a sailboat, and drinking beer at the same time. One hand on the tiller, takes away from the number of hands that could be guzzling beer! You can hold MUCH bigger steins, with BOTH hands! Secondly, what you really need is to add a second tank, or else partition your existing one. When it comes time to "re-cycle" the beer, use your auxiliary tank and thus keep the over-all ballast fluid level constant. Just about the time one tank is empty, the other tank should be full. Make SURE you keep the tanks well marked! Heloise Hinckley uses an indelible laundry marker. Choose your labels with care. "Tank #1" and "Tank #2" is NOT a good labeling system. Today's Helpful Hint from Heloise Hinckley: Use the $5 dollar discount coupon in the Tavernier Traveler, for the Boot Key Harbor Marina pump-out discount. This will be QUITE a bargain! Won't THEY be surprised, to see how long a pump-out takes, on YOUR boat! Why go to Boot Key Marina in Marathon, instead of using a facility in Tavernier? Uncap the "re-cycled" ballast tank (briefly!) for the answer. Another Helpful Hint from Heloise Hinckley: Place the beer in the ballast tank furthest under the hull's water line, and sail in REALLY cold waters (Like Lake Michigan), to keep the beer really frosty! Of course, Heloise Hinckley has no FIRST-HAND experience, with this sort of thing. Last Helpful Hint from Heloise Hinckley: Don't leave this column where the Boot Key Harbor Marina dockhands can see it. We had, um, a misunderstanding once, involving a similar idea, on a wagon pulled by Clydesdales. Yours truly, Tomorrow: Heloise Hinckley's family roots. Guess her sailing heritage, and choice of boats. ************************************************************************************* Today, Dear Readers, We delve into the origins of Heloise Hinckley, and her favorite sailing craft, in answer to a letter from a Curious Reader. [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Where are you FROM? [*] (Signed) [*]Curious Reader Dear Curious Reader, Just where do you THINK, a gracious, well brought up lady from good New England stock, with a famous boat name, might be from? Hmmmmm??? Maine, perhaps? This is true, but a somewhat sordid story, nonetheless. Pa Hinckley was disowned, from the famous family that went on to become famous boat builders. His problem was he couldn't sail worth a damn. Later on in life, it was found out that he was legally blind in one eye, that had become damaged in childhood during a (very!) sudden Maine blizzard, when he blinked the one eye shut, just a little later than the other, freezing the eyeball and damaging it forever. The effect of this, was to throw off his depth perception. This explained a family mystery: All male Hinckleys had a crease in the back of their heads, from the occasional boom mishap. Pa Hinckley was the only member of the family, with a FOREHEAD crease! Scraping a fine Hinckley yacht, against one of those dingy grey seawalls (yes, GREY! "Gray" is SOOOO middle class!), they have up north, was grounds for immediate disownment. And yet, he thoroughly loved sailing, so what was he to do? He tried and tried, but the best he could do was banging the nose of the boat, in the dock at the end of the boathouse on the family estate. Tired of his "docking by sound", the family turned him out and shipped him to the other coast, where he could bring no further shame to the family. But, a fertile mind from a family of boat designers is not easily dissuaded! He purchased some fixer-uppers he saw on the TSBB classifieds, and set about on a rather unorthodox solution. He took the cabin and mast from a Santana 23 that had suffered it's fourth dagger board grounding in as many days, and bolted it to the hull of a Catalina 22, whose cabin roof leaks simply could no longer be tolerated by the DPO. He dubbed his new creation: La Santanalina. Did I mention, that he had by now, discovered the many California Wineries? His next act of near-genius (well, not TOO near! Then one day, his wife Heloise (Heloise Hinckley's mother) asked: "Why don't you tie one end of those fender thingies, to the loop that you pull the boat on the trailer with, and the other end of the fender thingy to the forestay?" (Hinckley women are not well-versed in nautical speak, perhaps one reason why they think so clearly.) This greatly increased the life of the Santanalina, and now they can be seen most any sunny weekend in Catalina Island, or at least, if they can't be seen, they can be HEARD! CRRUMMPPPP!!! "Ah! The Hinckley's have arrived! It must be 4:30!" His wife, learned many a trick for getting food stains off the dinette, during docking maneuvers, and the tradition carries on to this very day, with Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hints for Trailer Sailors. So, There! [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Do you think Charles Brennan suffers from Insanity? I mean, have you READ some of those posts? [*] (signed) [*]Curious Reader Dear Curious Reader, WHAT? YOU, again??!!?? Not the first olive in the jar, are you? Oh, very well. I called him down in Florida, where he was MOST annoyed at being interrupted during a re-build of his RIB trailer. He said, "No, he doesn't suffer from Insanity" in fact, "he rather enjoys it"! (Signed) *************************************************************************************** [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Do you think my water-ballasted sailboat is stable enough, that I don't need to use my PFD, when I am sailing wing and wing, offshore? [*] (Signed), [*]Newton B Sailor Dear New B, REALLY looking to start some trouble here, aren't you? Could you please post your address, so that when the Internet lurches to a grinding halt, due to sudden lack of bandwidth, the enraged mobs can direct their torches and pitchforks to your residence, instead of blaming the Code Red Worm? (Sincerely), [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]When I was sailing my water-ballasted sailboat, wing and wing the other day, I noticed my knot meter was showing 10 knots, and my GPS was showing 10 mph. The forecast wind speed was also 10 mph. I think I was sailing faster than the wind, which would explain that strange sucking sound from the sails! The only explanation I can come up with for this unusual sailing condition, is that because of the water ballast, I only had "relative" water weight, in comparison to the surrounding water, added to the "relative" wind loading compared to the wind that was blowing on my face. Do you think this is an accurate description? [*] (Signed), [*]Dumbarton Boyd Dear Dum Bo, If you're sailing wing and wing, and the wind is on your face, In order to precisely answer the conundrum you have presented the TSBB, I want you to get hold of a good, sturdy sailing ditty bag. It will be approximately 12" X 18" or perhaps, smaller. Stuff your knot meter, your GPS, AND your pocket calculator into the ditty bag. Bend on a length of stout line, onto the ditty bag drawstrings, and toss the whole shooting match off the stern (Hint: It's NOT the pointy end, unless you're Nick, or Dana, or whatnot! Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hint for today: LESS CEREBRATING, MORE NAVIGATING! (Sincerely), ****************************************************************************************** [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*] I am about to go on vacation down in Florida, and since it is approaching the peak of hurricane season, I wondered: How can you tell if there's going to be a busy hurricane season or not? [*] (Signed), [*] Nervous In Nebraska Dear Nervous, The first thing to do is to turn off the Weather Channel. Watching that thing can be SCARY! Next, ignore EVERYTHING from Professor Gray, about hurricane forecasts. Guy's from COLORADO, for Pete's sakes! OK, maybe he has the most accurate forecasts ever, but the REAL way to tell, is to take a lesson from the Noble Savages Who Sell You Un-Taxed Cigarettes: The Miccosukee Indians. According to Miccosukee Lore, in a busy hurricane season, ants build their nests on higher ground. Helpful Heloise Hinckley, is just this minute, looking out the window of the wonderful place where she is currently incarcerated, until all the Voices go away. Today's Helpful Hint: NEVER, EVER, tell your shrink he's just jealous, 'cause the Voices only want to talk to you! What Helpful Heloise Hinckley noticed, is that the ants are making their nests in the tops of the palm trees, this year. So, Nervous, I hope you didn't get your travel accommodations from price.com! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I want to get into the boat building business. I got a financial advisor from the Small Business Administration, who gave me some fairly good advice. He said not to "accidentally" post a classified ad in the forums section! [*] (Signed), [*]Ambitious Boat Builder Dear Ambitious, Move next door to Tom Parrent! Sincerely, **************************************************************************************** [*] Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I am going on "vacation" to Florida in the next few weeks, after I get through making some fiberglass "repairs" to my "sailboat", and I am "concerned" about all the "carnage", that I see on the evening news. I would like to go to the "beach" while I am there, but do want to take any unnecessary "risks". I've already been told not to wear my "lucky ham" around my neck. What else should I "do"? Do you have any "helpful hints" for me? [*] (Signed) [*]Taswell T. Cerfer Dear Tas. T. Cerfer. Several. First, pull off the " key off your keyboard and THROW IT AWAY! You're making everybody nuts! Not a good thing to do to the mentally fragile (like Heloise Hinckley!). Secondly, if you're going to be in the waters off Florida, make sure you have washed ALL traces of the fiberglass resin from the sailboat repair, off your hands. Sharks think of polyester and epoxy out-gassing as: Eau de Surfer. Makes 'em wild. You'll notice sharks congregate, wherever there are scads of surfers. Think it's a coincidence? Thirdly, while at the beach, stand in a group of people. The minimum number is three. If they consist of a lawyer, a politician, and a Florida developer, you are completely enclosed in a "cone of protection". In Tallahassee, this is called the "Triumvirate Of Power". Forget that House/Senate/Governor stuff. We just feed that to the 8th graders, for "civics" class. Yes, if you have these three around you, you will not be "bitten" at all. In Tallahassee, this is called "Government". In two feet of water, it is called "Professional Courtesy". (Durn! Sincerely, [*] Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]My fellow sharks and I, have been getting a lot of media attention lately, and we noticed while watching ourselves on the Today Show, that our "teeth" are not all they should be. Bearing in mind the inherent difficulties in finding industrial grade dental floss that holds up to the job, do you have any "hints" for how we could improve our "appearance"? One of our buddies tried "flossing" with a set of discarded guitar strings, dropped over the side by Jimmy Buffet, but it still wasn't enough. All those surfboard straps, are starting to "stick" in our teeth. What can we "do"? [*] (Signed), [*]Sharky Dear Sharky, Did Taswell throw his " key in the water, or what? One hint that comes to mind, if you can overlook the professional courtesy, is that there are few things seedier or tougher, or stringier, than a Florida Developer! Another suggestion, is to run south past New Smyrna Beach, continue on past the delectable Canadian Tourists in Hollywood, ignore the overloaded go-fast boats running from Cuba to Marathon, that occasionally lose a Cuban Refugee over the side, and make your way all the way north, to Louisiana. Bite Shane's boat (most anywhere, will do!), and enough Poli-Glow will come off the hull, to keep your teeth SHINY for at least three years, by which time your back rows of teeth will have filled in and moved forward! Then you'll have a smile that looks like this! ---> Sincerely, ****************************************************************************************** [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I have recently introduced my girlfriend to sailing. I was afraid she wouldn't like the heeling, but I find now that I have a completely DIFFERENT and unexpected problem. When we're out on the boat, she gets uh, ummm . . . well, . . . . . real amorous, if ya know what I mean! Insatiable, almost! [*]Yesterday, I almost went up with the jib halyard, when I crawled forward on my hands and knees to douse the jib! I looked this up in Grey's Sexual Deviance (Illustrated Edition, I mean, after all, I AM a sailor!), but I could find no similar behavioral pathologies. So I was just wondering, what you would call her condition? [*] (Signed), [*]Starting To Dehydrate Dear Dried Up, Helpful Heloise Hinckley would call what you have on your hands, there: A REAL FIND! Oh, Puhhlleeeze! Quit yer whinin', before Helpful Heloise Hinckley bitch- slaps you! Surfers in New Smyrna Beach are getting eaten alive, like the roadie's buffet table at a rock concert! Guys are BEGGIN' their wives to go out on the boat, JUST ONCE! Buncha TSBB guys are getting together on Labor Day Weekend in Pensacola, just for an EXCUSE to visit a Hooters! (And oh, yeah, sail a little bit!) But Nooooooooo! You gotta go and ask a question like that, on the TSBB, no less! Let's just hope her Kraft is not Ebbing! Today's Helpful Hint from Heloise Hinckley: Get some two inch stick-on letters for your hull, saying: If this boat's rocking, don't bother knocking! You also might be able to find this as a bumper sticker in 60's era head shops. Most of those shop owners think it's STILL the 60's! This should make Coast Guard Boarding's much less embarrassing than usual. ("Really, Sir?" There's a regulation, covering THAT? Wow! You Coasties are THOROUGH!") Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Do you think a Campbell's soup can, filled with gravel and taped over with masking tape and tied to some kite string, will make a suitable anchor to hold my 23 foot sailboat in place, during the fall flood tides coming up soon? I have been invited to the Columbus Day Cruising Regatta, where 750 boats are expected to share a harbor, and don't want to make any mistakes. I used to have a real boat anchor, like you see tattooed on the arms of sailors, but my wife is using it as a lawn decoration, and says I can't put it back in the boat. What should I do? [*](Signed), [*]Anxious Dear Anxious, YOU'RE anxious? What about all the sailboats next to YOU, in the harbor? One hint that comes to mind from Helpful Heloise Hinckley is to replace your boat's rub-rail, with a continuous length of Nerf-Rail. This is a 12-inch diameter length of Nerf Foam, to turn your boat into a big bumper-car type sailboat, so you can't hurt anyone. There is a word for people who use anchor hardware, like yours. In the Columbus Day Cruising Regatta, held every year in Miami, Florida, we get numerous dolts who anchor just like you are trying to do. Over the years, the "regatta regulars" have developed a system for monitoring whether those insufficient holding rigs are actually doing the job, or not. We take the owner of the offending boat, and wire him to some truck parts and throw him over the side, so he can personally observe whether the "anchor" is holding or not. So, There! Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]As summer starts to draw to a close, the fall winds are upon us. While it makes for very good sailing, it also causes me to tend to get more seasick. Is there anything I could do to increase my resistance or stamina for motion sickness? I'm allergic to ginger snaps. What should I do? [*](Signed) [*]RALLLLLLPH! Dear Ralph, Today's Hint from Helpful Heloise Hinckley: To develop stamina for preventing seasickness, stand outside the exhaust ventilator grill of a badly run Mexican restaurant, and inhale deeply. Repeat, until nothing fazes your stomach contents, any more. Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I read recently on the TSBB that Tabasco sauce works better than WD-40. Is this true? And if so, what hints would you have for how to use it? [*] (Signed) [*]Gulliver Sailor Dear Gullible Sailor, Are any of these posts, from the same people who told you to break in your brand new baseball glove, by rubbing dung in the glove's pocket and leaving it in the sun, back when you were a kid? Oh, very well. There are indeed MANY things you can do with Tabasco sauce, to increase your sailing enjoyment. 1) If you have need for aerosol versions, ordinary pepper spray or Mace will work fine. Don't be so logo conscious. 2) Apply Tabasco liberally to all stainless steel bright work on your boat, including pulpits, pushpits, stanchions, rails, and your swim ladder. As people climb aboard and wipe the water from their eyes, what a surprise THEY are in for! No longer will you have to hear them nagging you all the time about "falling off" while steering! In the cockpit of the blind, the one- eyed sailor is King! 3) Racers: Don't forget to apply copious amounts of Tabasco on the rails, where the "rail meat" hang out. In mere moments, they will be hanging further over the side, than you would have ever imagined is possible! Think of all the extra sail, you can now crowd on! 4) With all your now-surplus WD-40, you can still use it to keep your pasta from "clumping" together. About two sprays per pot-full should do the trick. Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Recently, I heard from Charles Brennan about "Keys Dry-Cleaning". What is that all about? I am going to the Keys myself soon, and if there is a way to cut down on costs down there, I am all for it. Can you help? [*](Signed) [*]Keys Traveler Dear KT, Yes. There is indeed, a way to get "Keys Dry-Cleaning". What you do is leave your clothes on the back porch overnight. This is especially effective, if you have been fishing for a coupla three days in the same clothes. The raccoons will come in the night like little valets, and lick all the fishy stuff off your clothes. It is not necessary to tip them, but you WILL occasionally have to retrieve your clothes from the middle of the road. Try not to put your "Keys Cleaned" clothes over any open cuts, as many of the raccoons are Rabid (much like your advice columnist!), and can cause some distressing problems for you. After you no longer require the services of the faithful critters (Yes, Faithful! The morning paper might not show up every day, but these critters will!), a few good shots of Tabasco Sauce: "The Sailors' Friend", on your clothing will dissuade them from further "Dry-Cleaning". Just watch where you apply it, or else watch where you sit! Sincerely, *************************************************************************************** [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]In light of recent events in south Florida, do you have any hints for dealing with Law Enforcement, while out on the water? [*] (Signed), [*]Fenwick Edward Arful Dear F. E. Arful, Heloise Hinckley who even in her advanced years, can still tell a cop to kiss her butt, without even taking the cigarette out of the side of her mouth, may not be the best person to ask! A few things that do come to mind are: Avoid certain phrases, such as: Bad Cop! No Donut! Also, do NOT keep your flare gun in a holster on your hip, and make sudden moves toward it, while saying things such as: "Slap leather, varmint!" Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Last week, when I asked for advice about Tabasco sauce uses on a boat, you gave me some advice to: "With all your now-surplus WD-40, you can still use it to keep your pasta from "clumping" together. About two sprays per pot-full should do the trick." [*]It made my family very ill, and we spent the entire weekend waiting in line, for each other to get out of the bathroom! Four people, and only one bathroom! It was NOT a pretty sight! [*]I think you should print a retraction, or something. [*] (Signed), [*]Gulliver Sailor Dear Gullible Sailor, Had YOU pegged didn't I? Not the top olive in the jar, are you? Oh, very well. What Helpful Heloise Hinckley MEANT to say was: With all your now-surplus WD-40, you can still use it to keep your pasta from "clumping" together. About two sprays per pot-full should do the trick. As an additional two-for-one Helpful Heloise Hinckley Hint: No extra charge for the extra hint, that WD-40 makes a GREAT laxative! Feel better, now? Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]Whenever I use a nylon strap like a tie-wrap on something, I save the excess strap that I cut off. I find the tie-wrap ends are very useful for mixing small amounts of epoxy, and whatnot. Do you think this hint is good enough to send to the TSBB hints section? [*](Signed), [*]Frugal Sailor Dear Frugie, Helpful Helosie Hinckley thinks that you should first send in an affidavit, proving that you have a LIFE! Sincerely, **************************************************************************************** Faithful Readers: Heloise Hinckley is MOST grateful to be back in familiar surroundings. The idea of having to post the weekly column on two different sites, is very hard on the Mentally Fragile and Prone-To-Bi-Polar-Disorders types, like Heloise Hinckley! [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]In light of the past week's events, don't you think it is in very poor Taste to print your so-called column? [*](Signed,) [*]Paul Rodriguez, Indignant Guy Dear, . . . . . . . ah, Never mind! It's TOO easy! Helpful Heloise Hinckley disagrees with you for many reasons: Firstly, if we let our lives be disrupted, then They've won. Not gonna happen. Not on MY watch! Secondly, if you had EVER actually READ a Helpful Heloise Hinckley column, then you'd know that Good Taste is NEVER an issue, in the quality of these columns! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]There are several good ole boys in my neighborhood, who apparently cannot distinguish this past week's killers, from the many God-fearing people whose version of the Koran does NOT have: Thou shalt smack into Tall Buildings. [*]Which leads me to my problem: When I wet a towel down and put it on my head, to survive the Florida Heat, while mowing the lawn, I suddenly started receiving small arms fire from my Own Neighbors! [*]Would ty-wrapping an American Flag to the mower help? [*](Signed,) [*]Nervous in High Grass Dear High Grass, Hmmm, that's ONE solution, but Heloise Hinckley promised her shrink she wouldn't use garden grown pharmaceuticals any more! (Of course, she's not using any LESS! Sorry to say, but until the nation gets over it's collective Grief and Rage and starts thinking clearly again, Helpful Heloise Hinckley recommends that you use Kevlar cloth to wet down your noggin. Heloise Hinckley knows of some others who are going to wish that they too had Kevlar wraps, soon. Soon. Sincerely, *************************************************************************************** [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I recently read on the TSBB, that Spam makes a pretty good flare. Since space is limited on my sailboat, I was wondering if you had any more hints for things that have dual utility, like that. [*](Signed), [*]Gulliver Sailor Dear Gullible Sailor, WHAT? You're back, AGAIN? You just don't LEARN, do you? Heloise Hinckley ate ENTIRELY too many Spam and mustard sandwiches during Hurricane Andrew, while waiting for the power to come back on. Spam is an excellent foodstuff for offshore cruising sailor types, as the taste does not change appreciably, if it happens to spoil. Besides a handy flare substitute, it can also be employed as ballast. You might think it a coincidence, that the cans have the same size and volume as ballast stones used in Olde Timey Sailing Shippes, but Helpful Heloise Hinckley can assure you, it is NO accident! Today's Helpful Hint From Heloise Hinckley: You can also get rid of the more dangerous flammable fuels aboard your boat, and replace them with even MORE cans of Spam! Light off one can of Spam, and use it to heat another! Another Hint from Helpful Heloise Hinckley: You can make an interesting glaze for the Spam with WD-40 (several shots of spray will be required, as Spam is quite shiny all by itself), which will also improve the flavor immeasurably! As Julia Childs reminds us (constantly, that nag!), Presentation Is Everything! An additional benefit is that the side effects of ingesting WD-40, will counter-act the side effects of eating Spam! You can improve the appearance of weathered teak rails, by rubbing a can of Spam liberally on the railing. No, the grease won't oil the teak like tung oil (or linseed oil, if you're Canadian!) will. What it WILL do is attract so many seagulls pecking on the railing, that your teak's original lustrous golden tones, will be revealed almost instantly! Don't forget the aforementioned uses as a flare. To convert a flaming can of Spam from a fixed flare to an aerial flare, merely pick it up by the metallic sides. AAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Really got some height that time, didn't you? Heloise Hinckley thinks that you should rush to your store and buy as much Spam as your sailboat's hull will hold. That way, there won't be any on the shelves, during the Hurricane Season panic buying! Yup, Florida consumers will NOT buy Spam, unless an even BIGGER disaster is looming on the horizon! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]What do you think, GPS or Compass? [*] (Signed), [*]Truman B. LeMakker Dear Trublmakker, What is this, like boxers or briefs? Firstly, you HAVE to have a compass on board your sailboat. It's just an Absolute Must for the Well Found Sailboat! Its sole purpose, is to give guests and visitors the false impression that you actually know where you are going. You can also bark out salty orders that no one else really knows the meaning of, like: "Helmsman! 4 points off the port bow!" See? Almost nobody aboard (except the helmsman of course, who KNOWS you have absolutely NO idea what the compass is there for) will realize that you are secretly informing him about the two attractive chicks on the other boat, on the left! 1) A bulkhead mount compass shows you as a decisive type, not afraid to make holes in fiberglass, or especially concerned that the only guests that will ever be comfortable in your cockpit, leaning back against that dome shaped protuberance will be Dwarves and Hunchbacks! 2) A mast mount compass shows you have excellent vision, or else a REALLY SHORT sailboat! 3) A compass with a dashboard suction mount and with only the cardinal points marked shows you get all your Boat Shopping Needs, from Discount Auto World. 4) A lensatic compass shows you stole one from a Boy Scout and should be FLOGGED, you miserable Cur! Or else that you are SOOOO CHEAP that you bought one at an Army Surplus store and should be FLOGGED again, you miserable Cur! 5) A magnetized needle shoved through a cork and floating in a full wine glass shows that, you either have watched too many episodes of McGiver, or else that you need to immediately PUT THE CORK BACK IN THAT BOTTLE! GPS on the other hand, is an excellent tool for the Neurotic Sailor who needs constant reminding, of how poorly he holds a course. It can also tell you how badly you're losing a race, to within 5 meters. (Within 3 meters, if Selective Whining is used.) GPS selections, like Compass selections, also tell a great deal about the sailor. 1) If a GPS with maps of all the U.S. major highways included on the free CD is purchased, it shows the owner to be incredibly gullible. YOU'RE SAILING ON THE WATER, YOU DOLT! REMEMBER? 2) A fixed mount GPS with a multi-colored screen and numerous buttons, shows you are a Technology Early Adopter, which most Marketing Departments call: An Easy Mark. It also shows you're not afraid to make numerous holes in your boat, as you flit from one model to the next, in your obsessive-compulsive: Quest For The Latest Greatest. Buy the model with the self-running demo to impress your guests, and hide the fact that you barely know how to turn it on, much less actually go somewhere with it! 3) A handheld GPS shows you to be the type of sailor at ease with bringing annoying toys aboard Other Peoples Boats, on those rare occasions when invited, as well as someone not concerned with dropping things over the side. Today's Helpful Hint from Heloise Hinckley: Throw away the floating holder that you got for your GPS. When the thing goes over the side, the battery compartment is only going to flood anyway, leaving you with an intermittent GPS. At least if it goes over the side, you know it's gone forever, and it spares you the embarrassment of continuously fiddling with something that ALMOST works, but not quite. "Hey Guys! Only 2.6 more miles until we reach Quan Li Cho, China! I didn't know it was that close to Key Largo!" When purchasing a handheld GPS, make sure that you only buy the ones with really smooth sides and buttons toward the bottom. Then, when the thing shoots out of your hand and over the side, like you were squeezing watermelon seeds, you and your friends can have contests for distance and "hang time"! No cheating, by leaving sun-block on your hands! If purchasing a really complicated GPS, insist that it have flash ram reprogramming capabilities, since the software will be obsolete before you get it home. After all, our Continents move an eighth of an inch every few thousand years or so, you can't expect those guys to get ALL of the navigational algorithms right on the FIRST TRY, now can you? The really Deluxe model actually has the satellites downloading new software fixes, at the same time that the distance and location are sent to your GPS receiver. This is especially cool, since you see a BRAND NEW SCREEN, practically every time you push a menu key! Heloise Hinckley does not need Fancy GPS units like these herself, as she has only to wrap her head in aluminum foil and place each hand inside an empty can of Spam, in order to communicate with the Mother Ship! Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************** [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I was admiring those pics that Charlie Jones posted of the weekender, and started getting really jealous, because it made my boat look like a chlorox jug or something. It's getting so, every time I open the companionway hatch I smell bleach! I WANT a salty looking boat like that, too! Do you have any hints for making my boat look somehow "saltier", or was I just born 150 years too late? [*] (Signed), [*]Solomon T. Sailor Dear Sol-T Sailor, The answers are: Yes, and Yes. The only real problem to face up to is the fact that you are basically CHEAP, or you would have gotten a proper wooden boat in the first place, instead of something made of plastic. However, there are a number of cost-effective (that's Heloise Hinckley-speak for CHEAP!) things that you can do to your boat. Heloise Hinckley fondly remembers as a young girl, watching Pa Hinckley do these same things to the beloved family boat: La Santanalina. 1) Cabin. 2) Cockpit. 3) Deck. 4) Mast. 5) Lines. 6) Belaying pins. Now! Time to admire your handiwork! Go across the street from your boat and turn, facing it. Now, Squint. Pretty salty-looking, from across the street, huh? Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I too, am having difficulties lately getting my mast up, and wondered if there was some hardware gil-houlie I could get to make this easier and faster. Do you have any ideas? I am getting desperate, as the weight of all this mast and rigging is threatening to cause serious physical injury, in the groin region, if ya know what I mean. [*] (Signed), [*]Juan Hung Low Dear Juan, The TSBB denizens really ARE getting on years, aren't they? All these aging "Baby Boomers"! Tsk! Tsk! First Dougcan, then Jeff, now you. Have you ever considered that all that rigging and mast raising and boat preparation and loving attention might be considered by your sailboat as: Foreplay? And YOU just want to get right to it! How very like a man. Oh, well. Since Heloise Hinckley promised herself, there would be NO Viagra/Mast jokes, the next best thing she could offer is: 1) Replace your Bimini Top with a trampoline. To raise the mast, pick it up as high as you can, and drop it. You may have to do this several times before you get the desired height. 2) Attach war surplus JATO bottles to the masthead with bungee cords. Light one off, and watch as your masthead SOARS upward! These are also useful in races where you need that "little bit extra" boost to windward. Some of the larger rockets from Pancho's Fireworks-A-Rama may also be employed. 3) Have your mast made of Pole Vaulting materials. You need to be in pretty good shape for this, as well as have a fairly good eye, to get the base of the mast into the mast step, whilst running toward the stern of the sailboat at a good clip! The only tricky part to this, is sliding down the forestay when the mast stops. Heloise Hinckley recommends VERY thick gloves! Oh, yes, try not to launch yourself across the ramp and into the dry-sail compound. 4) For the more mechanically adventurous, re-locate your trailer brake-frame all the way back to the REAR cross member! Now, when you flip the brake-frame lever, the WHOLE BOAT will stand up in the air! This makes it easy to step your mast. Just put the base in the mast step, and run the forestay to its attachment point. Then, when you tilt the frame BACK, the WHOLE SHOOTIN' MATCH will lift up, and Voila! A stepped mast! What may require some practice, is maintaining the proper dignity and aplomb, while other ramp visitors and fishermen fall down laughing and trying REALLY HARD not to wet their pants from helpless laughter! Sincerely, ***************************************************************************************** [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I offered some help over the TSBB to a newbie, and he never even said boo about it! I also conversed through e-mail to some people who never even acknowledged that I was trying to help them! What gives here? [*](Signed), [*]Distraught Sailor Dear Dissed Sailor, Heloise Hinckley can indeed feel for your plight. Each week, more or less, depending on how regularly she is taking her medications, The REAL problem is that on the Internet nobody knows you're a dog. Common courtesy has not evolved as fast as the medium and the technology. But all is not lost, however. Herewith Heloise Hinckley's Helpful Hints for today, for dealing with the chronically rude: 1) Gracious - Post a response like: "I'm SURE you meant to acknowledge all my help and the 2 hours and 45 minutes I spent crafting a wise reply to your lame-o question!" 2) Sarcastic - "YOU'RE WELCOME, for acknowledging all my help and the 2 hours and 45 minutes I spent, crafting a wise reply to your lame-o question!" 3) Biting - "You didn't actually UNDERSTAND my answer and the 2 hours and 45 minutes I spent, crafting a wise reply to your lame-o question, did you?" 4) Understanding - "Never figured out how to get back to the TSBB, while you were surfing porn sites, did you? I spent 2 hours and 45 minutes, crafting a wise reply to your lame-o question, for a porn freak? I don't even OWN a porno- graph!" 5) Social Castigation - Every day, post a thread to the question that says only: "WELL?" That way, the thread will stay up there forever, or until the guy gets embarrassed enough to respond with a little courtesy! In a recent post, a suggestion was made to make it easier for the MTV generation that doesn't even KNOW what a "bread and butter" letter is, to post a response! It wouldn't take so much bandwidth to make someone feel appreciated once in a while, now would it? Here is the table: Heloise Hinckley could go on and on, but she's cleaning her deer rifle and looking for tall buildings! We each take being ignored on the TSBB, in a slightly different manner! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise, [*]So why weren't YOU in the Columbus Day Cruising Regatta? [*](Signed), [*]Miami Booster Dear Buster, Well, if you MUST know, Helpful Heloise Hinckley was not able to get a weekend pass away from the Home for the Chronically Groovy this year! Besides, she is still seeking therapy from a few years ago, when she was joining in the festivities just a LITTLE too much, if you know what I mean! When the callow sailors went by, shrieking: "Hey! Show us your boobs!" Puzzled Heloise Hinckley pointed to the foredeck crew. Then, finally understanding when another boat went by with an almost totally nude crew, she got into the spirit of the day. She was all ready, when the next boat suddenly shouted: "NO!! For the love of God! Don't DO it! Oh Geeze, Lady! That's DISGUSTING! Your Great Grand-kids know you're doing this?" You know the most common cup size in St. Petersburg, Florida? 44 Long! Well, Helpful Heloise Hinckley isn't even in THAT good a shape! After receiving a severe reprimand from the Coast Guard, over the EPA impact of several hundred sailors simultaneously throwing up in the pristine waters of Biscayne Bay, Heloise Hinckley decided to refrain from any further displays. Plus, explaining the sunburn to her shrink was just too embarrassing! Today's Helpful Hint From Heloise Hinckley: Enough sunblock can be VERY slippery, if you know what I mean! Sincerely, ******************************************************************************************* [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I have recently moved to south Florida from Up North. You know, up North, where everybody drives better, is more polite, things cost less money and boats are stored properly for the winter. Half the TSBB has already started preparing for winter, yet down here, NOBODY knows what the heck I'm talking about when I ask about facilities for winterizing my boat! Do you have any hints for a newly transplanted Northerner? [*](Signed,) [*]New Yawkah Dear Yokel, I mean Yawkah! To most Floridians, winterizing is where they switch from beer, to the harder stuff. If you are so recent to our shores that you still root for the Jets, instead of the Dolphins, while in Pro Player Stadium, here a few things to keep in mind: Firstly, STOP ROOTING FOR THE JETS! Did'ja ever notice that all the Jets seats are way up high on the south side of the Stadium? Near where all the tailgate parties are, in the south parking lot? Ever wonder where all the meat they're barbecuing, comes from? Any idea how "tenderizing" an 80 foot drop is? You have been WARNED! 1) Plasticizing: 2) Anti-freeze: 3) Frame covers: 4) Caulking, Bedding and Oakum: 5) Mildewcides: Down here, "Out for the season" means your wife kicked you out of the house again, and you're sleeping in your boat, until the Marriage Counselor says it's OK to come back in the house. Winterizing a boat means finally waxing it, because rainy season is over. November 30 marking the end of Hurricane Season, is when it is finally safe to take the lid off of a bottle of Poli-Glow! Sincerely, [*]Dear Heloise Hinckley, [*]I recently read in the TSBB about the Turkey Testicle Festival in Illinois. Do you think that guy was putting us on? [*] (Signed), [*]Skeptical about Testicles Dear Skippy, What are these people THINKING? This has to be right up there with the people who invented the violin! Dragging horsehairs across dried catguts! What were those people DOING, that they had that kind of stuff just lying around? Now this? The ASPCA must hibernate for the winter up there, or else cabin fever is more pathological than they let on! Hmmmm . . . . I think I read somewhere, The Shining was actually a documentary . . . . Winter obviously hits Northerners much harder, than it does to us Southerners! And you think you hate YOUR job! They were clearly putting you on. The clue was: "by the bag, DEEP FRIED." EVERYBODY knows that only Southerners know how to fry things! New Englanders BOIL everything! Rest your gullible little Up North mind! Hey! Look at the side of your boat! I think the Oakum is mildewing and falling out! We better fix that for you right away! Uhhh . . . .How much money did you bring? Sincerely, |
Heloise Hinckley's solution is to apply copious amounts of vodka down the throat. After the stomach decides to "redistribute" the vodka, Heloise endeavors to allow the contents to fall on the spider stain. The alcohol content pre-softens the stains, plus the maid cleaning up the vodka, ensures that the spider stain gets taken care of at the same time!
Thought you got it. Trust me, you didn't.